End of Silence
by Saya Moonshadow
Summary: "He still woke up sometimes with the warmth of hands on his skin." —In which obliviousness makes dealing with a broken heart so much worse. Gruvia; Gray x Juvia.
1. Silenced

**Oh dear me...yes, I am alive and writing. This is a project I've been working on-and-off on for the past several months since about July or so, and I wasn't going to post it at all, but I finally decided to for some reason. It'll probably be a fiveshot - I say "probably" because I've got three-and-a-half chapters written and may or may not stretch rest of the fourth into one of its own. We'll see.**

**I feel I should warn you that this is not a happy fic. Though you probably already know that, seeing as how **_**Tragedy**_** is one of the genres, but...yeah.  
**

**Perhaps at some point I'll stop tormenting my favorite characters. Not likely, though.**

**I've rewritten some bits of this so that it's canon-compliant all the way up to the end of the Sun Village arc. It ignores the next one completely, mostly because I don't know how that one's gonna end just yet. My apologies.**

**Disclaimer: Anything you don't recognize as canon most likely belongs to me unless otherwise noted. **_**Fairy Tail**_** and all related canon belong to Hiro Mashima.**

**Warning: Implied and/or non-graphically described sex, heavy angst, character death, etc.**

**Pairing: Gray Fullbuster x Juvia Lockser**

**End of Silence  
By: Saya Moonshadow**

* * *

_**Silenced**_

* * *

She was asking if he wanted to go on a mission with her.

Having just gotten back the night before from a rather harrowing mission of his own (during which he'd been turned back into a kid for a brief period of time and had had to help unfreeze a town filled with _giants_, of all infernal things), Gray was rather reluctant to go out again so soon. And understandably so, he thought. He had no problem with danger - it was, after all, a staple of being a career wizard in a guild like Fairy Tail. He just wished that not so many of their missions as a team would wind up putting everyone through the grinder.

However, it was kind of difficult to not pay attention to Juvia when she was clinging to his arm like that, and so he took his eyes off the impending brawl between Natsu and Gajeel, and looked down at her. She was gazing up at him with her usual adoration, and Gray felt an odd lump coming to his throat.

It was probably sickness, he concluded, clearing his throat loudly. Magical exhaustion coupled with the annoyance of having this girl hanging off of him like a limpet, despite him telling her before his own mission that he didn't want to deal with her weirdness anymore.

Not that that would stop Juvia, he reflected almost sourly. She was in a class all on her own when it came to stubbornness. And yes, she'd helped him deal with losing Ultear by getting him to smile, but he really wasn't in the mood for this right now.

"Juvia..." he said warningly, and the girl actually had the decency to look embarrassed. She leapt off of him as though she'd been burned, holding her hands in front of her in a placating gesture as though she thought he was about to attack her or something - it was a gesture he'd seen countless times before, and he'd long ago concluded that it was left over from her days in Phantom Lord, where a man glaring at her meant she was about to get very hurt. And yes, while she was a strong woman and most of the guys from that guild had been weak as kittens, their Master had been a different matter altogether.

Still, he wished she'd cut that out. She should know by now that he would never deliberately harm her. Guild brawls and spars were another matter entirely - which she was aware of, having participated in many herself - but like this? No. He'd sooner die than strike her in this setting.

"Juvia apologizes, Gray-sama," she said fretfully, shaking her hands a little bit. "It's just...Juvia really does hope that you choose to accompany her on this mission!" She smiled up at him hopefully, and he felt something in him contract.

Oh, if Lyon could see this, he'd be shitting bricks.

"What kind of mission?" he asked. _Might as well humor her a little..._

She held up the request for him to see - the paper was slightly worn, and he recognized it as one that had been on the bulletin board since before the complete nonsense that had been the Grand Magic Games. He frowned at the ranking - an A-rank mission - and frowned harder at the brief summary below the picture taking up most of the page.

"Juvia, I don't think I could do this - it says here you have to be able to stay underwater for long periods of time, which I can't do," he pointed out, and nearly cringed as her face fell immediately.

"Oh, but...but..." She grabbed the paper back, reading it frantically several times before realizing that he was right. Gray was an accomplished Ice Maker, but he couldn't stay underwater for very long. Juvia, being able to _become_ water, didn't have that problem. In fact, this kind of request could only have a very specific type of wizard handle it, and it seemed a little odd to Gray that it was even on the lower-classed bulletin board. Usually highly-specialized requests like this were ranked higher...though, to be fair, A was as high as it could get before turning into an S.

And as Juvia was not yet an S-ranked wizard by Fairy Tail's standards, she couldn't go on those kinds of missions. Something in him breathed a sigh of relief at that thought, and he curled his hands over hers carefully, making sure she wouldn't let go of the paper in her distress.

Her hands were surprisingly warm - as a water wizard, he always expected her to be of a cooler temperature, and so was always surprised when she was warmer. Then again, perhaps she just seemed warm to him. He was, after all, an Ice Maker and was thus much colder than the rest of the general populace. But the warmth of her hands was comforting nonetheless, and he found he didn't mind this contact. Unlike her sudden glomptackles, this was calm and serene and shared by them both, instead of taking him off-guard.

She took him off-guard in a lot of ways, really, but here and now, they were on equal footing. It was a surprisingly pleasant sensation.

"Stay safe," he told her, and though she drooped for a split second at the fact that he was refusing, she brightened up right afterwards.

"Juvia will!" She bounced up and down happily, her blue hair catching the light in an almost bewitching fashion. He had to keep his eyes glued firmly to her face - because what kind of guy looks at a girl's _hair_ when there are other things to look at? - and gave her a smile, allowing it to grow wider when the pink of her cheeks deepened to red.

She bounded for the guild's entrance, turning only to stop and shout back to him, "Juvia will see you when she gets back, Gray-sama! Please do not worry about her!"

Rather than yell back at her, Gray lifted a hand and gave her a wave, which she returned eagerly. He ignored Mirajane's teasing coos and made a note to not sit at the bar for the next few days to avoid her heckling him about this.

And then Juvia was gone, her long hair shining in the sunlight she'd discovered thanks in great part to him.

* * *

Her mission was only supposed to take about a week, two if things got hairy, but two weeks came and went, and still Juvia didn't return. Gray didn't want to admit it to anyone, but he was beginning to worry.

No, worry was too little an emotion to describe what he was starting to feel, if he were to be honest with himself - which he was not. Some terrible thing was gnawing at the pit of his stomach, and it only grew worse each day that he walked into the guild and asked Mirajane if Juvia had returned, only to be given a deeply anguished negative.

But Juvia was Juvia, and this was a girl who had survived much worse than a little A-rank mission. Hell, she'd been on several S-ranked missions before she'd come to join Fairy Tail, and she'd only grown stronger in the time since then. He'd been particularly impressed with her in the final rounds of the Grand Magic Games, when they'd managed an awesome Unison Raid together and her hand had been so warm and had fit wonderfully in his and—

He cut off that train of thought quickly. Now was not the time to analyze the feel of Juvia's hands. Now was _very much not_ the time to analyze that.

The Monday of the fourth week, Gray, having decided on the third day of her absence to not take any missions until she was back, had finally had enough. She was eight days late, and damn it all, he was going to go find her, come hell or high water.

But first, he had to go inform everyone of this. He knew Makarov had been seriously considering putting together a search team, and he intended to be on that team no matter what. She'd been gone long enough; it was way past time for her to come home, and he was going to find out just why the hell she was so late.

His trek to the guild was uneventful. His apartment was fairly close to the hall, and he enjoyed the early morning chill to the air before the sun fully came up. If he was lucky, he'd make it there before anyone else did, and he'd be able to hash out a few battle plans with Master Makarov...

Just as his hands were about to touch the handles to the doors leading to the guild hall, Gray stopped. There was a peculiar sound emanating from within, one he couldn't quite make out at first. Then, as it became louder, he realized that it was the sound of someone crying.

Juvia cried a lot, he knew, and his heart raced - maybe this was her, back and crying from relief at being home despite her delay. He couldn't stop the happy grin or the heat that spread across his cheeks at the thought of her being home again. The relief that engulfed him was dizzying, and he had to take a second to reorient himself. Oh, Gods of Ishgal, she was home! And now that she was back, he was going to make sure she knew just how worried he and everyone else had been.

But not before he lectured her on being so damn late! Gods, she was really gonna get it when he—

He threw open the doors, fully intending to march in and grab her into a hug before giving her at least twenty minutes' worth of scolding, but he stopped in his tracks when he realized that the guild hall was empty.

Juvia was not there.

Something unpleasant threatened to creep down Gray's spine, but he brutally shook it off. His hands twisted in the hem of his shirt, and he just barely managed to curb the instinctive urge to take it off.

To the right, near where the bar was, the crying started up again.

Moving quickly, Gray peered over the edge of the bar to the space behind it, and found himself looking at a sobbing Mirajane. She was kneeling on the wooden floor, clutching a piece of paper to her chest and crying her eyes out, her long white hair obscuring her face and deep, awful gasps coming between her sobs.

"Mira?" She jumped when Gray moved around the bar and approached her, calling her name softly. When she turned to face him, he saw that her eyes were very red and filled with grief, and her cheeks were streaked with tears. The last time he'd seen her like this had been the day she and Elfman had come home from the mission gone wrong, the one that had made Lisanna vanish for an entire two years - she'd been as good as dead, and for all extents and purposes, for those two years, she had been.

"Oh, G-Gray!" she cried, flinging herself onto him and burying her face in his chest. He felt his shirt become soaked instantly as she began crying once more, the paper she'd been holding fluttering to the floor. "Gray...Gray...I'm...I..." she whispered in between cries.

"What's wrong?" he asked her, feeling nervous. He was not exactly good at comforting people, and even worse at comforting crying women. And the depth of her grief made him very, very nervous. That horrible gnawing feeling was coming back in force. "Did something happen?"

He had to wait for her to calm down before she could answer him, because his question seemed to have made whatever it was even worse - she let out a little half-gasp, half-cry and clutched him harder, nearly squeezing the air out of his lungs. Carefully disentangling himself from her grasp, he frantically looked around for something - anything - to help him.

And then his eyes fell on the paper she'd dropped.

Very slowly, he bent down to pick it up, Mirajane having slumped in front of him with her hands covering her face. He straightened up before reading it, and the gnawing feeling in his stomach intensified.

The words at the top caught his eye first, big and bold and dark - "**NOTICE OF DECEASED**".

The gnawing turned into outright clawing. It took a very great deal of willpower to continue reading.

"To Master Makarov Dreyar," he read slowly, barely feeling the ground underneath him - had it fallen away at some point? "It is our great sorrow to inform you that a wizard in your guild of Fairy Tail, Miss Ju—" He choked, his eyes widening almost impossibly at the next words on that paper.

Someone was calling his name, but there was a terrible roaring in his ears, and he couldn't make out who it was. His whole body felt numb, and he was just barely aware of the fact that he'd dropped the paper and had moved his hands up to his face - when the hell had he dropped to his knees?

He couldn't...breathe. Something was blocking his throat, and the clawing in his stomach hurt, a physical pain this time - he heaved, and he could vaguely make out a cry as whoever it was who had said his name darted out from in front of him just in time to avoid getting thrown up on. He hadn't eaten anything the night before - too many nerves - and all that came up was stomach acid. It burned his insides and his throat and filled his mouth with a disgusting taste that almost made him throw up again, but it was nothing compared to the burning behind his eyes as tears - wait, tears? Why was he crying? When had he started crying?

A terrible noise tore from his throat. Mirajane would later describe it as the scream of a wounded animal.

Name. Name. Someone was lost, someone was gone, someone was...was...

"What the hell's going on in here?!"

"Laxus!" He could just barely make out the words being spoken. There were hands on his shoulders, and a worried face hovering just above his own. And rain was dripping on his face - no, not rain. The person above him was crying and so was he and her tears were too warm to be rain - oh God, rain, that wasn't—

"Laxus, help me, I think he's gone into shock—"

Larger hands, rough and calloused, grabbed a hold of his arms and dragged him around the bar, sitting him on one of the stools. They reached out again and steadied him when he immediately almost fell off.

They were talking again, those two voices - Laxus and Mirajane, but why was it so hard to register that? He couldn't understand what they were saying at all; his hearing felt oddly muffled.

He managed to move his head to stare at them - the blond man had grabbed the white-haired woman into a tight hug, and she was gripping him with all her might, crying into his chest. Over Mirajane's shoulder, Laxus was reading the paper Gray had dropped, and for the first time in a long time, Gray thought he saw sorrow on the older man's face.

Laxus crushed the paper in his fist, weaving his arm back around Mirajane to join the other one, holding her as tightly as he could. He looked over at Gray, who stared at the two of them, an expression on his face that made Laxus's gut clench.

"I...I'm really sorry, Gray," he said quietly.

Gray didn't answer him. Maybe he couldn't. He opened his mouth to try, but the words simply refused to form for some reason - what was he trying to say? What _could_ he say? That it was alright? It was anything _but_ alright; she was lost, she was lost, she was...was...

He let himself slump over on to the bar counter, not caring which way he landed. The burning behind his eyes wouldn't stop, even though the tears had stopped the instant he'd mistaken them for rain. Rain, this wasn't rain, rain was not...

It wasn't raining, but suddenly he felt like the sun had ceased to shine and never would again.

* * *

_To Master Makarov Dreyar,_

_It is our great sorrow to inform you that a wizard in your guild of Fairy Tail, Miss Juvia Lockser, was killed in action on September 7th, X791, whilst making her way to the location of her assignment. Miss Lockser's body has been recovered, and the men responsible for her death have been detained. We will return the body to your guild immediately following the autopsy on—_

The rest of the paper was illegible, the ink smeared beyond repair by what looked like a great amount of water.

Nonetheless, Makarov Dreyar very slowly placed it into a file he hadn't touched in nine years, and then buried his face in his hands.

* * *

An A-rank mission.

It was supposed to be a simple A-rank mission, nothing she wouldn't have been able to handle...

Somewhat cruelly, the sun was shining brightly as he stood before the open casket at her funeral. The Kardia Cathedral had been repaired after Natsu, Gajeel, and Laxus tore it apart during the Fantasia of seven years prior, and it was a beautiful setting for one of the worst days of Gray's life. Sunbeams floated lazily through the stained glass windows, casting multicolored reflections on the people sitting in the pews and on those who were lining up to pay their last respects.

Makarov himself had conducted the service - had demanded to, actually, and no one had even thought to dissuade him. Not that they would have had the heart to, even if it had occurred to them. The old man's voice had gotten noticeably thicker on the last few sentences of his speech, and he didn't even attempt to hide the tears flowing down his face as he looked down at the girl in the casket.

Gray felt completely numb. He wasn't the first to view her like this, and he wouldn't be the last today, but he didn't understand how he could be expected to move from this spot.

In death, she was beautiful. Whoever had dressed her up had managed to hide the horrible marks left by the elemental attacks that had killed her, covering her in a fancy, long-sleeved dress not completely unlike the ones she wore on a regular basis when she was still...was still...

It almost sickened him how it looked almost like she was only sleeping, like she could wake up any second now, and he might have been fooled if not for the strange blankness to her face. Juvia had exuded personality, even in sleep - there was always an expression on her face, always. When she slept, she smiled or sighed or scrunched up her nose, depending on what she was dreaming about.

This empty expression...this wasn't Juvia. Juvia was lost now...no, not lost, but gone. Gone, not lost, because "lost" implied that he could still find her again somewhere, and that would never happen.

No matter where he went after this, no matter how hard he searched, he would not find her, and for the first time since coming out of the stupor he'd been left in that awful day, he _felt_.

The split-second feeling of pain was horrible and wonderful all at once, and it almost destroyed him because this was Juvia and she was gone and he was _at her goddamned funeral_, and to not feel anything at all was fucking killing him. He could have laughed at how stupid that sounded, but it hurt to even consider laughing. Even smiling was so difficult now; he hadn't smiled since reading that awful paper with its damn impersonal message that she had been murdered. Remembering the words written on it made his heart twist agonizingly.

It was so stupid how he was contemplating searching for her when she was right in front of him. But she also wasn't at the same time, because her body no longer held life in it, and it hurt to realize that, for all extents and purposes, it was no longer _her_.

Juvia...didn't exist anymore.

"Gray?"

The numbness came back suddenly at the voice from behind him, and he whirled around to see Lucy and Natsu. Natsu had one arm around the blonde girl's shoulders, keeping her clutched to him. Both were dressed in black, which, while normal for Natsu, was not normal at all for Lucy. The Celestial wizard's face was streaked with tears, just as nearly everyone else's was.

"Gray, are you...alright?" she asked, gazing up at him. Even Natsu looked concerned, his usually happy green eyes looking dulled.

"I'm alright," he said, the words feeling mechanical and a complete falsehood, because no matter how many times he said them, they didn't help. No, he was _not_ fucking alright, but he didn't know how to explain this to himself, let alone to anyone else. He tried to smile at her, but his lips simply wouldn't obey the mental command and he gave up.

He moved away from the casket - _No! No, go back, go back! Juvia! Come back!_ - to allow them their moment with her. As he turned away from them to go back to his seat, he heard Natsu's low murmur of, "You're crying, Gray."

Ignoring the fact that this was one of the few times Natsu had called him by his actual name, he reached a hand up to his cheek and felt the remnant of a single tear.

When had he...?

He didn't know whether to be relieved or ashamed that Lyon had yet to acknowledge him, but the older man was in a world of his own, consumed by grief. The rose-haired girl next to him, Chelia, if Gray remembered right, wrapped an arm around him, and he leaned into her, trying to control his own sobs.

"Juvia...gods, Juvia..."

He'd already gone up to see her, and having to see him break down in front of everyone like that had been awful. But Gray was numb to everything, and nothing seemed to matter except for the fact that Laxus had just stood up from his place in the front pew, and - oh, Mavis, it was about to happen.

Laxus carefully placed both hands on the casket's lid, looking down at the girl inside of it for a short moment. And then he pushed, and the lid came down with a very final-sounding _thunk_.

It suddenly occurred to Gray that he had just seen Juvia for the very last time, and the world around him came to a violent stop.

Never again...no, she was gone now. Put away in a damn box like a broken doll, and she was...she was...

Pain stabbed at his heart before he desperately grasped for what remained of the numbness. He grabbed at his chest, feeling dull surprise at the fact that he was still fully clothed. Lyon was, too, he saw. Neither of them had made any move to strip at all - he hadn't done it since that awful day when that _damned_ letter had come and she...

He felt nothing at all when everyone moved outside so she could be buried in the plot allotted to the members of the Fairy Tail guild in the cemetery behind the cathedral. Lucy's mother and father were buried somewhere near here too, he knew - he could see the blonde girl look in a different direction for a split second before her attention was directed back to the hole in the ground that they were going to lower Juvia's casket into.

Four large men employed by the Cathedral's funerary service carried the casket over to the hole that had been dug for it earlier that day, and they carefully began to lower it in.

Beside him, Gray felt Erza slip her hand into his. He looked up at her - when had she gotten there? She'd been near the front, with Mirajane and Laxus, but here she was now. The look in her eyes was sympathetic, and Gray had to look away before she made him feel again - gods, this numbness kept him from feeling, and he hated himself for being so grateful for that. Hadn't he just been happy to be able to feel something, literally only a few minutes ago? It hurt too much to even consider it anymore.

Erza knew only too well what it was like to have to bury someone she cared for, although some of them had not been dead and - yes, there Jellal was, standing in the distance with that pink-haired girl who'd been so friendly with Juvia - Merudy? Wasn't that her name? Doubtlessly Erza had called them both there for the services, and doubtlessly she would run straight to Jellal as soon as she could.

But for now she was here, and she held Gray's hand tightly as they watched those same four men who'd lowered Juvia's casket into the hole as they began to bury her. Each muffled thud as the dirt hit the wooden lid was horrible - each one threatened with increasing intensity to hurt him, and he saw Gajeel pull Levy to him as she began to cry again.

Goddamn it. He was noticing all these people who were together, at least in part - Natsu and Lucy were the first, having wrapped their arms around each other, with Natsu making hushing sounds into Lucy's hair as she buried her face in his chest; then Jellal and Erza, who seemed destined to suffer in some way or another; then Gajeel and Levy, who were now emulating Lucy and Natsu. And - no, damn it, not Mirajane and Laxus, too...

Why did the sight of them all together like that bother him so much?

Numb. He was numb. He couldn't feel anything, and he felt the blanket of nothingness constrict around him the longer he stared at the burial. It occurred to him that this must be what it felt like to be ice - cold, blank, nothingness. Was this how Ur felt after she used Iced Shell to save him and Lyon from Deliora?

And then they were placing the foundations for the headstone, and Erza's hand clenched around his painfully.

"It's OK, Gray," she said softly, brushing her free fingers across his cheek. A stray drop clung to her index. "You don't have to be so stoic."

When had he started crying again?

* * *

The weeks following her funeral passed by slowly, but Gray didn't remember more than a few snatches of every day. He lived in a fog, mechanically waking up, eating, going to the guild, doing missions, coming home, and falling asleep again. Often, he found himself repeating things he'd done just moments before, and was unable to remember how many times he might have repeated the same action.

On days when there were no missions to complete, he stayed in his apartment and cleaned. He had to keep busy, because the very idea of dwelling on anything that had happened in the past few months was a daunting one, and so each off day was spent organizing and re-arranging and scouring until his home was surgically clean - it bloody well gleamed, and it kept him from thinking too deeply about anything.

He had a slip-up five weeks into this odd routine when, upon going to wipe down the walls for the third time that week, he realized that there was nary a speck of dirt in his apartment. There was nothing else to clean. He'd arranged and re-arranged all of his furniture in practically every way possible before putting it back the way it had been before, and everything that could be spiffed up was shining with an unnatural cleanness that angered him for some reason.

Well, what the fuck was he supposed to do now?

Anger. He suddenly felt angry, and he had no idea why, but it was relief from the numbness that he had been trapped in since before her funeral, and he both hated and reveled in it for what it was not.

Not pain, just anger, anger, anger.

More than angry, he was practically boiling with rage, a new thing for him. Typically his anger manifested in short bursts, and when it was sated, he would calm down and go back to normal. He was usually better at controlling his temper than this, but he didn't care because if he stopped to think about it then he would begin to think about other things, too, and he couldn't have that.

And so, rather than trash his surgically clean apartment like he wanted to, he stormed over to the guild hall and landed a punch on Natsu before the other wizard even saw him coming.

Natsu gave as good as he got, but he wasn't the one going through this horrible fury that burned like lava in Gray's veins, and for the first time in a very long time, Gray came out the winner in their fight rather than having it be a tie.

He had no time to consider this, though, because as soon as Natsu went down, Erza stomped over and stepped over him in order to backhand Gray through the nearest wall. This was followed by a lecture about controlling himself and how just because he was hurting, that didn't mean he could take his pain out on his friends.

"We are all in this with you, Gray," she said, taking his hand again and squeezing it gently. The metal of her armored glove was positively frigid...had it always been that cold? "You don't need to do this alone. You just need to talk to us."

Talk to them? As if any of them know damn well _anything_ about what he was going through! Not even Erza knew what it was like; she may have lost people, but she got them back, didn't she? She just plowed on through life, never stopping to let her ghosts catch up with her like they had at the Tower of Heaven. But she'd been able to have her stupid little happy ending-ish-thing; Jellal had come back and they were content to see each other whenever possible, infrequent though that was thanks to Jellal's continued status as a criminal.

Mirajane and Elfman didn't know what he was going through either, because though they'd lost Lisanna, she'd still come back to them, hadn't she? They'd gotten to see her again, and they'd gotten to keep her from then on, because she'd never been truly dead to begin with, just lost.

Lisanna had been lost, and they didn't know what it was like for someone to be _gone_, because gone meant not ever coming back.

But Juvia's death was _nothing_ like Lisanna's had been. This was a very different kind of pain, even when they'd all thought she'd been gone for good. But what kind of pain was it, exactly?

He didn't know how to describe it, except that it hurt worse than anything else he'd ever felt, and it angered him that he didn't know. He couldn't quite draw up the blanket of nothingness, and he didn't know how to deal with anything without it. And so he allowed himself to snap back at Erza, and for the first time since he was ten, he picked a fight with her.

Unsurprisingly, she beat him into the ground, and when he woke up again, two days had passed and he was lying in the guild's infirmary with Wendy hovering over him, pressing her healing hands to his aching forehead.

"Are you OK, Gray-san?" she asked, her dark blue hair shining in the dim light from the lamp on his bedside table. He felt a lump coming to his throat and his eyes threatened to burn - Juvia's hair had shone just like that, the last time he'd seen her as she left forever. "Um, Gray-san? You have a weird look on your face."

"I'm OK, Wendy," he sighed, then closed his eyes and let her soft humming lull him back into sleep.

The anger was gone as suddenly as it had come, to be replaced again with the blanket of numbness, but it was less numb than it was simply empty. Later on it would go back to being numb, but for now, he didn't know which he preferred. Neither was quite preferable over the other, but at this point, anything was better than the rage he'd been possessed by for most of two days prior.

Emptiness implied something had been there at one point. Numbness meant not feeling at all, not acknowledging the something that had once been there, but he had no energy for either.

Sleep was a comfort to him.

* * *

"_Gray-sama..."_

_Her hands are soft and warm on his back, and her lips are sweet. Gray is no lover of sweet things, but he literally cannot get enough of the taste of her lips. And her body...oh, gods, her body is the most amazing thing he's ever seen or felt._

_He moves inside her, slowly, gently, not wanting to hurt her. He never wants her to feel pain, and his nerves are both on edge and more relaxed than they've ever been. It is an odd sensation, but one he finds he rather likes. More than likes._

_He opens his mouth to whisper something to her, but her lips on his distract him, and he gladly gives into her until she must pull back for air. As she gazes up at him, he is surprised to see just how much emotion there is in her eyes, and it is wonderful to know that it is all for him. No one else, just him and him alone._

_Coming from her mouth, his name is beautiful._

"_I love you, Gray-sama."_

* * *

Wendy woke him because he had just started making odd gasping cries in his sleep - like he was being tortured, she exclaimed - and she was afraid there was something wrong with him, that he was in pain because she missed a spot in her healing. "Tell me where it hurts, Gray-san, and I'll make it feel all better!" she said eagerly, passing her hands, which were lit up with a healing glow, over his clothed chest.

Something was hurting alright, but it wasn't the ache in his body from Erza's beating. His chest felt like it was about to split open. He couldn't remember the dream he'd just had, rarely ever remembered his dreams at all, but the feelings left over from it - mixed agony and euphoria - made him wish he could stop dreaming altogether.

A small part of him insisted, however, that he didn't want to lose that dream. It had been painful, but warm - he could still feel the warmth of...of hands...?

Gray couldn't bring himself to tell Wendy any of this, and settled for pretending like his left wrist was what was hurting him. He allowed the little dragon to fuss over him, and felt ashamed for being so relieved when she finally left him alone.

* * *

"The trial will be in a week."

Gray, just returned from a simple C-rank mission, looked up at Mirajane, who had just spoken. She was cleaning a glass behind the bar and wasn't looking at him as she continued. "The trial for...for the guys who did it, I mean. The Master just got word of when it'll be. Next Wednesday at 8 A.M., in Era."

Time seemed to stop for him for a split second while he digested her words. He knew without her having to actually say it that she was inviting him along - hell, he'd be surprised if the whole guild didn't tag along. "Who is going to be there?" he asked, trying and mostly failing to sound unaffected.

Mirajane bit her lip as she thought. "Some of the members of the Magic Council, I believe - if I remember correctly, one of them is presiding over the trial. As for who's actually going, I am, of course, and the Master has to be there to give testimony...and I think Laxus and Erza are both going..."

He nodded, having already come to a decision. If it was the last thing he did, he would make sure the bastards who took her away paid for it. He could feel the anger returning, but fought viciously to keep it down. There were better things to direct it towards, _much_ better things.

"I'm going, too," he said. Mirajane gave him a small, sad smile and resumed cleaning her glass.

"We'll be leaving for Era on Tuesday night at 7," she told him. "Be here a half hour before that."

He didn't sleep at all that night, and around 5 in the morning, gave up and got dressed, arriving at the guild before anyone else.

* * *

Gods of Ishgal, this was boring. It had been an hour, and they were still just barely past the introductions! The freaking defendants hadn't even been brought in yet!

Makarov had rejected the idea of any of them besides himself being plaintiffs in the case - officially, anyway. They sat in the rows just behind his seat at the plaintiff's desk in support, and Gray couldn't have been more filled with nervous energy than he was at that moment.

He could feel resentment bubbling just underneath the nerves - why the hell hadn't the old man let them help prosecute the bastards? They deserved to be able to! Juvia deserved to have her guildmates, the people she'd cared for the most, avenge her against the people who'd ended her life! What in the hell was Makarov thinking? _Was_ he thinking at all?

Unfamiliar with how criminal trials proceeded, Gray was forced to rely on Erza, who knew a fair bit about them. In a low voice as they'd filed in upon the courtroom doors opening, she'd explained that the witnesses were not allowed to be in the same room at the same time for up to a few days before the trial. Something about not wanting them to collaborate their stories together and lose valuable information, blah blah blah.

Gray didn't care about that. He just wanted to see these assholes destroyed, and he swore he would explode if they weren't convicted.

"Don't be surprised if they're not convicted right away," Erza had warned him as they sat down. "These things can take time, especially if not all the evidence is presented at once. But they can at least expect several years in prison for murder."

The last word had made Gray flinch and she'd looked horrified at her slip-up, but luckily for them both, they were spared by the arrival of the judge who was presiding over the trial. As Mirajane had said, it was a member of the Magic Council, though Gray was damned if he knew the guy's name. Not Gran Doma, some other person who he didn't particularly care about. Just so long as he made the right decision in the end...

He was jolted out of his reverie by the arrival of the three defendants, and he felt the anger become pure murderous rage at the mere sight of them. They looked like typical thugs - muscled and strong, with greasy hair and a generally sleazy air about them. His eye caught the mark tattooed on each of their right cheeks. So they were in a dark guild? Or a small-time one just pretending to play with the big boys?

There had been four at one time - Gray felt gratified that at least Juvia had managed to bring one of them down with her. The fallen man had been buried in an unmarked grave, as most criminals were when interred by the justice system of Fiore, to keep their resting places from becoming shrines for other criminals. Gray felt sick at the very _thought_ of that asshole's grave becoming a shrine, and there was a vicious stab of pleasure at the knowledge that he had died messily.

He felt Erza's hand clasping his tightly, and became aware that he was half out of his seat. She only let go once he was sitting back down, and on his other side, Laxus threw him a sharp glance.

Behind him was most of the rest of the guild, missing only those who were either on missions or who had stayed behind to watch over the guildhall. It was a small, near fleeting pleasure to know that they all wanted justice almost as much as he did.

The trial began, and Gray devoured the proceedings with hungry eyes. Witnesses were called to the stand, one by one, the plaintiffs first. Citizens of the town Juvia had died in, each one testifying that the three men had been running around and causing trouble until Juvia had arrived. Technically she had only been passing through - the town she'd been heading to was a few miles west of that one - but after seeing for herself the kind of things they'd been doing, she'd taken it upon herself to try and stop them, spending most of two weeks gathering information and preparing to confront them.

Unfortunately for her, they possessed elemental-type magic - two of them were electric-based, which, Gray remembered with a wince, was her special weakness. It was those two who had ultimately caused her death, but not before she managed to crush the throat of the third man, who, according to witnesses, had wielded fire magic. The fourth man, the one sitting in between the two lightning-users, had apparently not had much to do with the actual fight - his magic, wind, wouldn't do much against someone like Juvia, who'd spent years on a team with a wind and a fire user.

Erza expected this man to receive a lighter sentence thanks to his lack of actual involvement in the incident. Gray sincerely hoped that he did not.

And then it was the defendants' turn, each one taking the stand and pleading their case. Disgustingly, they all pleaded not guilty.

At the high-pitched whine of the third man, one of the lightning users, Gray felt that horrible killing rage returning with a vengeance.

"But I swear, we didn't really do nothin'!" the man complained, staring beseechingly at the judge - the judge, in turn, remained completely unmoved. "She just up and attacked us; we were just defendin' ourselves—"

"And is four grown men ganging up on one teenage girl proper self-defense?" the judge replied sarcastically.

The man continued to whine, but Gray barely heard any of it. The roaring had returned to his ears, the same one that had been there the day he'd learned of her death, making it very difficult to hear anything that was going on around him.

They...they _dared_ to say it wasn't their fault she was gone? They actually fucking _dared_ to try and get off the hook?! Juvia was dead because of what they'd done to her! They deserved to burn in hell, the goddamn—

The feeling of both his arms being crushed brought him back to reality, and the roaring stopped so suddenly it would have been comical if not for the circumstances. He glanced to either side of himself - Erza had his right arm in a death grip, and Laxus was doing the same to his left. Both of them were staring at him - glaring, more like. Looking down, he saw that he had frozen the seat underneath him.

He hadn't even been aware that his powers had activated.

"Is anything the matter?" the judge called, gazing at the Fairy Tail group carefully.

"No, Your Honor," Erza replied, respectfully bowing her head. "Everything is fine."

The man eyed her for a moment longer, but then evidently decided it wasn't worth throwing them out just yet. Good thing he hadn't - Gray wasn't sure he'd have been able to control himself if it had happened.

As soon as the man had turned away to continue helping Makarov question the defendant, Erza turned a very angry glare on Gray.

"Are you trying to get us thrown out?" she hissed.

He glared right on back, opening his mouth to respond, but before he could, she jabbed him in the chest with an armored finger. "I know you're angry and hurting, but I swear, Gray, if you get us thrown out of here, I will never forgive you," she said in a low voice that no one else, save for perhaps one of the Dragon Slayers, could hear.

It took a minute to compose himself enough to be able to agree to her words, but he finally managed to nod, albeit stiffly. She didn't look completely satisfied, and kept a grip on his arm for the rest of the proceedings.

Gray was almost glad of it. It was taking more of his self-control than he'd have liked to admit to not jump up and simply slaughter all three of those bastards where they sat, whining and pleading that they hadn't done anything wrong, and he was grateful that Erza, at least, was willing to help him retain what little remained of his composure.

The trial proceeded, but as it did, he grew more and more anxious. What if they got a light sentence, or worse, got off entirely? What would he do then?

That wasn't even a question - he'd have no choice but to hunt them down if that happened. One way or another, justice was going to be served, and if he ended up being the one to do the serving, then so be it. Gray was not a vicious person by nature, but he would gladly make an exception for this.

They deserved worse than anything he could do to them, but he would make it as painful as humanly possible in the process.

The rest of the trial proceeded in an almost blur. He didn't know how much longer he was going to be able to sit there and - and listen to the all the _things_ they'd done to her, but he was fast approaching his limit as each witness spoke their piece. Some of the accounts were nothing short of brutal, and more than once, he heard Lucy or Bisca gasping. A few times, there was a muffled sob, but he couldn't tell from who.

After what seemed like years, the final witness finished telling her story, and the judge called for an hour-long break, massaging his forehead as he did so. Erza stood immediately, and, gripping Gray's arm hard enough to bruise, dragged him from the courtroom.

Down hallways, past where other people were, until they were completely and utterly alone. She spun around, her arms crossed and foot tapping impatiently as she stared hard at him.

Gray eyed her warily. What exactly was going on? Was she about to beat him up for his behavior in the courtroom? If so, she really needed to just fucking get it over with - wait, no. If she did that, he might not be allowed back in, and there was no way in hell he was going to miss the sentencing. He had to make sure there was retribution, in any way possible...

"Are you going to be alright, Gray?" Erza finally asked, surprising him with how gentle her voice sounded - it was nothing like the harsh bark he'd been expecting. "This trial is most likely only going to last for today, judging by how it's been conducted so far, and their sentence might not be as..._heavy_ as we hope it will be."

He knew that. Was already prepared to deal with it if it came to pass. There _would_ be vengeance, one way or another.

"I need to know," Erza continued, still speaking in that gentle voice that almost made him want to punch her because he hated that there was even a need for her to use it, "if you will be OK in the event that they get off lightly. Because if not, then I will not permit you to go back in there, Gray. I want to hear it from you. Will you behave yourself?"

She was insinuating that he was acting like a child! What the hell did she know about any of this? Did she have any idea how hard it was to even imagine a world without someone in it? No, and she didn't truly know what it was like to be completely without them, either, because Jellal _came back to her_, and she was so goddamn lucky and she didn't even realize it!

He paused for a moment before this train of thought could continue. Yes, Erza _did_ know what it was like to lose people - she'd lost several friends to the men who'd enslaved her when she was young, and she'd lost that Simon guy to Jellal's actions when the Heavenly wizard was still possessed by Zeref's ghost. She knew very well what it was like to lose people who were important to her. But she hadn't lost her most important person, so what did she—

He paused again at that. Most important person? No, Juvia hadn't been any more important than his other friends. She was someone he'd treasured dearly, but he treasured everyone in the guild like that, right? It would be the same if Natsu died, or Lucy. Or Erza. Or anyone.

And yet, he'd been unable to get rid of the feeling of having a gaping hole in his chest ever since her funeral and the realization that he would literally never see her again. Juvia would never again laugh, or cry, or get angry, or call him "Gray-sama". And it was still so very difficult to imagine his life without her in it, even though he was now going through that very thing.

"Gray?"

He looked up, startled out of his thoughts. Erza was watching him with a sympathetic expression on his face - what was she thinking? She'd been giving him that look a lot lately, and he hated it. He didn't want to be pitied, didn't want to be sympathized with, he just...wanted...wanted...

"Let's get some food before Natsu and Droy eat it all," she suggested, taking his arm again and leading him away in a much more gentle fashion than how she'd brought him here.

It was difficult to chew, and even harder to swallow the sandwich she shoved at him ten minutes later, but he somehow managed it, and had to keep himself from running back into the courtroom when the break was declared over. Fury and anxiety clawed at his insides - had a decision been made? What was going to happen to those bastards on trial? Would they get what they deserved from the justice system, or would he have to do it himself?

Patient, he told himself, but was unable to calm down, practically on the edge of his seat as the three men were led back into the room and forcibly made to sit on the uncomfortable bench on the defendants' side of the room. Makarov sat on the plaintiff's bench, looking just as anxious as Gray felt.

"I have heard enough here today," the judge announced, "to make a decision now. Multiple witnesses have been cross-examined, and too many pieces of evidence to count have been brought to my attention before this. My decision is made."

Gray edged forward, ignoring the hand Erza placed on his shoulder. His attention was fixed wholly on the judge and couldn't be redirected until he'd heard what was to be said.

"I pronounce all three defendants: guilty, with no other possibility."

Immediately, all three set up an uproar, only to be shushed by the Rune Knights standing guard over them. The cuffs around their wrists prevented them from using their powers, and those staffs held by the Knights were for more than just show.

"As for their sentence...after much thought, I have decided on life imprisonment, with absolutely no chance of parole or release. All three of you will remain in confinement until you die, no bail, no release, nothing. You will live out the remainder of your lives in there, and you will never leave."

The uproar at this was even louder, but Gray heard nothing else. Life imprisonment...the only thing worse that the Fioran justice system would dish out was solitary confinement. It was hard to think of a harsher method than that, or at least one that would leave the victim still _sane_ afterwards. Humans, as social creatures, needed contact with one another. Without it, they would go mad, denied one of the body's most basic needs.

He snorted contemptuously.

Good. This was better than what they deserved.

He was mostly unaware of himself for the rest of the day, on autopilot, as Ur would have said. Each thought centered on the sentence and the way the three men had struggled as they were forced out of the courtroom. They'd been terrified, and the nastier part of him took a savage pleasure in this. Good. Maybe now they would know how Juvia felt when she...

Unexpectedly, pain flooded into his chest at the thought of her, but he managed to mostly push it back. It was hard to believe he'd been so angry before, because all he felt right now was exhaustion. He was so tired, and sleep sounded infinitely better than allowing himself to dwell on more of this.

When the group that was Fairy Tail made it back to the lodgings they'd been given for their stay in Era, he went immediately to bed, falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

* * *

"_Gray-sama...oh, Gray-sama..."_

_A hand, so soft and warm, cupping his cheek and bringing his face upwards to meet hers...she is on top of him, her legs on either side of his hips and she's rocking gently; his fingers dig into the skin of her thigh and lower back as he accepts her kiss._

_This feels so good; why on earth had they never done it before? He would stay like this forever if that were possible, and he knows that if he were to ask, she would stay with him forever, too._

"_I love you, Gray-sama..." she breathes, before gasping and arching beautifully as he angles his hips just so. Tears are beading in her eyes, and she lets out a sob, but she doesn't let her eyes wander from his, even as the tears flow over, coursing down cheeks that are flushed a wonderful shade of red, and falling onto his face. "I...I cannot..."_

_He leans upwards so that their chests are pressed together, still with that gentle rocking motion that is not unlike the waves of the ocean. This time, her kiss is a little salty, but that doesn't matter - all that matters is that he makes her stop crying because she looks like she's in so much pain and he can't bear for her to be in pain._

"_Gray-sama..." she murmurs in between kisses, "I cannot..."_

_Why is he hurting now? He isn't crying, but damn it, something is wrong with both of them, and it isn't supposed to happen. He'd been so happy a moment ago. A sense of terrible loss is mixing with his happiness, and he doesn't like it. He hasn't lost anything, he has it all, she's right here, right here..._

"_Stay with me," he pleads her hoarsely. It's an effort to find his voice with his throat almost closing up from the burning of what feels horribly like tears at the back of it. "Please. Stay."_

_It's so important that she stays, but he can't remember the reason why. He just knows that it will kill him if she leaves him now. His arms wrap around her securely, but even so, he can't help the mounting fear that she will slip away at any moment._

"_I cannot...I cannot..." She won't stop repeating this, over and over again, and then—_

He woke up once more with the half-memory, half-feeling of warm hands on his chest, of salty water on his lips, and mixed agony and happiness in his heart.

* * *

**Author's Note: ****I don't think this **_**quite**_** merits the full M label, but I'm trying to be as careful as possible. I don't usually write lemons, and even though the two up there are lime-ish at best, I'd really prefer not to get reported for mislabeling this. Though I guess even limes should really be put down as M...**

**Anyway, this is just the beginning for Gray. Life will be very different for him from here on out, that's for sure. Yes, I do think Gray has feelings for Juvia in canon, but I also think he's very much in denial about it. I used to think he was oblivious, but that one chapter where Erza was teasing him about it makes me think denial now. Here I'm going with my old theory, though. (Also, did anyone else get very happy at the small Gruvia moment in today's chapter? I just hope nothing happens to either of them...)**

**Please review and tell me what you think of it. This is only the first of five or six chapters, which I will be posting every two weeks on Sundays. I hope you enjoy what I've written, and that you will join me again in two weeks!**


	2. Saturninity

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed and favorited this nonsense! You all make my day ;~;**

**So please enjoy your bi-weekly helping of Gruvia angst! *pelted with tomatoes***

**But really – THAT LATEST CHAPTER. JELLAL, YOU **_**ASSHOLE**_**. YOU HAD BETTER STILL BE ALIVE, OR I SWEAR— ahem. And Lisanna and Natsu are total bros, and I'm looking forward to whatever they get into next during their escape plan. It's been too long since that poor girl has had a chance to shine. What I **_**really**_** want, though, is for Lucy to save the day for once. That would just about make my year. **

**Disclaimer: Anything you don't recognize as canon most likely belongs to me unless otherwise noted. **_**Fairy Tail**_** and all related canon belong to Hiro Mashima.**

**Warning: Implied and/or non-graphically described sex, heavy angst, character death, etc.**

**Pairing: Gray Fullbuster x Juvia Lockser, with minor Natsu x Lucy, Mirajane x Laxus, Jellal x Erza, etc.**

**Summary: "He still woke up sometimes with the warmth of her hands on his skin." —In which obliviousness makes dealing with a broken heart so much worse.**

**End of Silence  
By: Saya Moonshadow**

* * *

_**Saturninity  
**_

* * *

If Gray had expected to get over the past few months, he was sorely mistaken.

Just getting up some mornings was difficult, and it didn't help that he kept having those damn dreams that he could never remember. His heart ached so badly after each one, and he truly hated that he didn't know why it kept happening. He'd thought he'd gotten over the be-traumatized-by-bad-dreams phase of his life years ago - though something told him that these dreams were anything but bad.

He didn't really care. They hurt, and he wanted them gone.

Going to Wendy didn't help. The little dragon haltingly informed him that dreams were very much out of her area of expertise, and so, out of desperation, he sought out the guild's reclusive physician, Porlyusica.

The crotchety old woman-dragon (she was Grandine's human counterpart, so didn't that make her kind of a dragon by proxy?) had been displeased to see him, as she was with all humans, but let him in her house nonetheless when he told her Wendy had pointed him in this direction.

When he told her of his problem, however, she was less than enthusiastic. "Trauma," she told him frankly, "can often give rise to subconscious things we don't want to admit. Things we have repressed, if you will. Until you are over your trauma, you will likely keep having these dreams. Acknowledge it, and get over it."

She wasn't seeing his need. It was to the point where he was honestly beginning to fear for his sanity if he had many more of these dreams, and when he said so, Porlyusica sighed and got up, telling him to wait as she went to the cupboards at the back of her small house.

Gray would have willingly taken anything at this point to get rid of the dreams, even though that small part of him that wouldn't shut the hell up screamed for him not to. He viciously shoved it away. No. He wanted the dreams to stop, because they hurt and didn't do him any good, anyway. The sooner they stopped happening, the better off he would be.

He'd had nightmares for months after Ur died, and again for a shorter period of time when Ultear went, but they paled in comparison to what he was currently experiencing. The after-effects of those dreams were normal for someone experiencing the loss of a precious person - he had let the pain wash over him, then got over it and went about his day as best he could. These, on the other hand, often left him with the feeling of being completely helpless.

Gray hated feeling helpless.

He resisted the urge to peer over Porlyusica's shoulder as she went about mixing whatever it was that she was making together, concentrating instead on a breathing exercise that Erza had taught him to help him control the anger that had been abated at the end of the trial, though it still cropped up from time to time - his temper was noticeably shorter than it had once been, although he was better at controlling it now than...than before. Despite the original purpose of it being mostly gone, the breathing exercises still helped with other things. It helped to calm him down in the mornings, enough so that he could get through the day without either nothingness or leftover aches plaguing him, and he often found himself lapsing into it without meaning to.

After several minutes, Porlyusica turned back to him, a large bottle filled with a strange-looking blue substance in her hands. He just barely managed to suppress a grimace - she was famously very touchy, and he didn't want to risk offending her before he got the cure to his problem. She just might decide not to give it to him if he did that, and he couldn't deal with this any longer.

"Drink a tablespoon of this every night before bed," she instructed him crisply, shoving the bottle into his hands. It was heavy, being about a liter in volume. The liquid inside was slow to slosh, seeming almost jelly-like in appearance. "I know it looks unappetizing, but it will keep you from dreaming. Which is what you want, correct?"

"Yes," Gray murmured, staring at it.

Was this such a good idea? He wanted to sleep with no dreams again, but then the fear of being without them gripped him suddenly. Was this really such a good idea?

He shook his head to clear out that thought. This was what he wanted! It was what he wanted, and he was going to take the tablespoon of this vile stuff every night until they were gone for good!

Porlyusica eyed him carefully, and then grunted, falling back into the mood she was most often in when around other members of the human species. "If that's all, then get out of my house!" she barked, startling him out of his intense study of the substance she'd just given him. "I hate humans!" She chased him out of her house with a broom, though he was way ahead of her.

He went home for the first time in months feeling slightly hopeful.

The stuff tasted like shit, and it was worse than being jelly-like - hell, it was _gloopy_, no other word for it. And the bright blue of it...

But he forced himself to swallow it, the whole spoonful, chasing it down with several cups of water afterwards. And still the taste lingered, lurking annoyingly at the back of his mouth.

It would all be worth it, he told himself as he climbed into bed. He'd put up with a million shitty-tasting medicines if it meant not waking up with the feeling of having a gaping hole in his chest anymore.

* * *

For the first time in a long time, waking up was easy for Gray. There was no sense of longing, no mingled joy and pain, no struggle to remember his dreams, for he didn't have any the night before.

He was still not...completely _right_, but it was a vast improvement over what he'd previously been dealing with.

Relief. That was practically all he could feel at the moment: relief. But mixed in there, just a tiny bit, was the feeling that he'd just lost something very important. He shook this feeling off, however.

If this was what he'd wake up to every day, then he would very gladly take the nightly tablespoon of that gloopy stuff. Even if it did smell and taste like it came out of the bladder of a Vulcan.

He managed a chuckle at the thought, the first in...almost too long to remember. His smile felt almost rusty, so out of practice it was. He wasn't even sure he was doing it right; it had been so long. But it was welcome. Very welcome, truth be told.

Still, that was a good joke. He'd have to be sure to tell Juvia about it, she always got a kick out of when he would—

And with a jolt, Gray remembered that she was gone and could not laugh any longer. The smile fell from his face as pain threatened to overtake him once again, but he viciously, desperately beat it back.

_No._ This was progress. He'd managed to wake up normally for once thanks to that horrible shit Porlyusica had given him, and he was not going to allow one stray thought to break all that down. It was OK to have slip-ups, he told himself. He _had_ always enjoyed making Juvia laugh, enjoyed seeing her face light up when she did it, and the memory made each beat of his heart feel like a drum in his chest.

Juvia would not want him to react like this to remembering her, he told himself as he pulled on his clothes for the day. She would want him to remember her fondly, to be _happy_ when thinking about her...

But try as he might, the smile just wouldn't come back. It was impossible to be happy while thinking about her, because he would always remember that she was gone and how she had died, and everything he was trying so hard to put away would come rushing back too fast for him to handle.

It was better to simply not think of it at all. His guildmates still had yet to stop giving him those damned stupid sympathetic looks, and he always knew whenever someone was talking about Juvia because they lowered their voices and glanced at him after every other word. And if he went over to them, the conversation would suddenly stop and become something else entirely.

They acted like her name was some kind of taboo or something. Everyone thought he was taking it too hard, but _they_ were the ones who weren't acting normal! If they would just—! If he could just...just...

He truly didn't know. It was still awful going to the guild each day, because as soon as he walked in, his body instinctively braced itself for a tackling hug and a cry of, _"Gray-sama! Juvia is happy to see you!"_, but of course it never came anymore. No matter how many times Gray told himself this, he could never seem to stop half-expecting it to happen.

It had been ten months, and he had yet to train himself to stop expecting it.

Mavis - had it really been ten months already? Checking the calendar hanging on the wall of his tiny kitchen, it truly had been. It was disconcerting to realize that much of it was a blur. He could hardly recall much of the time between the day he'd learned of her...her passing, and today. It felt almost like he'd been asleep for most of that time, and had only just now woken up.

He was annoyed to find himself wishing he could go back to not remembering.

* * *

If Gray had hoped to go completely back to normal now that he had that special blue gloopy stuff, he was sorely mistaken once again.

A creeping bleakness that was somehow much worse than the pain caused by the dreams he could never remember had begun to grip him as of late, and he didn't know how to get rid of it. At least the dreams had brought some happiness, however overshadowed by pain it had been. This was as far from happiness as he could get.

The next several weeks passed in almost a haze, except that he remembered them this time around, and the days passed so slowly that he was almost surprised they weren't now two-for-one. He still took the gloop religiously before bed - as terrible as this was, he wasn't sure he had the strength to go back to dreaming, for surely that was what would happen if he stopped. More than anything, he was starting to become afraid of remembering those dreams. Anything that felt that good and hurt so badly at the same time couldn't be good for him.

His grip on his sanity was tenuous enough as it was, and it took a lot of humility to admit that. He didn't need whatever those things were about to be the proverbial final straw.

Then, one day, he entered the guild to find it mostly silent. The usual chatter was very subdued, as if no one wanted to break the quiet. Instead of congregating at the request board or around the bar, his guildmates were clustered around tables or huddled by the wall. All of them looked sad, but the one that struck Gray most of all was Gajeel. Usually, the Iron Dragon would be stuffing his face with metal scraps, fighting with Natsu, or arguing with somebody about who had seen a job first, but today, he was seated at the bar and hunched over an untouched plate of broken screws.

Levy sat beside him, rubbing his back softly and staring at him with concern, and Pantherlily sat on the bar in front of him, while Mirajane stood on the other side of the bar, speaking in a low voice. Across the room, Natsu sat at a table and stared at Lucy, who had her knees pulled up to her chest and a miserable look on her face.

Gray blinked almost stupidly at this scene. What was going on? Had...had something happened?

His heart clenched painfully, fear making his mind go blank. He didn't think he was up to this, and it took a tremendous effort to force himself to step into the guildhall and make his way to Mirajane.

She noticed him just as he reached her, and the surprised, almost guilty look on her face when she did set him on edge. That was the look people got when they were discussing Juvia around him. When would they learn to stop doing that? Didn't they realize how much harm it did? If they were going to talk about her, they should just go and do it already; he was a man, he could handle it.

_No, you can't,_ a nasty voice at the back of his head whispered. _You still flinch whenever she's so much as mentioned; what makes you think you could handle them talking openly about her in front of you? Weakling. You have no one to blame for this but yourself._

Before Gray could begin to wonder what this subconscious thought was about, Mirajane spoke, her voice bright with false cheer.

"Oh, Gray! I didn't see you there!" she chirped. Peering closely at her, he could see that her eyes were puffy and there were freshly dried tear tracks on her face. She'd been crying recently.

"Hello, Mira," he said slowly, still suspicious. Levy glanced at him and gave him a smile and a wave, and Pantherlily gave him a courteous nod. Gajeel made no move to acknowledge him at all. Indeed, the Dragon Slayer seemed to hunker down even more, his muscular arms resting on either side of the still-untouched plate in front of him.

While the lack of acknowledgement wasn't in itself an oddity - Gajeel acknowledged only those who he wanted to acknowledge, and Gray was fine with only rarely being one of that group - the almost shrinking away was. Gray had seen Gajeel shrink away from only one other person, and that person was Levy, just after he had joined the guild and started to become at least a little bit less of a savage animal. No one else had ever elicited such a reaction, not even the Master or Erza at the height of their rage.

"Hello, Gajeel," he said. Belatedly, he saw Levy frantically waving her hands, and saw Mirajane's startled look. Pantherlily, too, tensed up.

Slowly, Gajeel turned to look at him, his eyes narrowed and dark with - was that sorrow? And anger, a great deal of it. But what...?

"Gray, why don't you come over here?" Mirajane asked hurriedly, reaching over the bar and literally _dragging_ him to her. His foot caught on Gajeel's plate and the mug of beer next to Pantherlily and turned them both over, and the next second, Mirajane had thrown him over her shoulder and was sprinting with him to the back room.

Once there, she shut the door and turned to face him, her face grave and with none of the false cheer she'd tried a few minutes ago. "It's probably best for you not to speak to him for a while, Gray," she said seriously after a moment.

Gray stared at her, baffled. What had he done to set Gajeel off so badly? He hadn't spoken to him practically at all since the day of the funeral, when he'd been...he'd been...

His heart clenched terribly, and, instinctively, his gaze slipped from Mirajane's blue eyes to the calendar on the wall.

_September 7th, X792_

A year.

He felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him, and was only barely aware of the fact that he'd just sat down with a slight thump.

It had been a whole year. A year.

Three hundred-and-sixty-five days had passed, and he somehow hadn't noticed.

No...no wonder Gajeel was so out of sorts today, he thought dimly, staring up at the ceiling and feeling each heartbeat as a pulsing drum in his chest. It seemed so loud, and there was an odd, muffled quality to everything else around him.

There was a paper in his hand - no, there wasn't. He was behind the bar with Mirajane sobbing in front of him - no, he wasn't. He was reading formal, polite words about how Juvia was gone and never coming back...

He gasped then, but it felt so hard to breathe all of a sudden. His fingers clenched in the material of his jacket sleeves, desperately trying to get rid of the feeling of paper...that horrible, awful paper...what had happened to it? He'd dropped it somewhere, and after that, he'd woken up in a very different world.

A gentle hand laid on his cheek, cool and soft, and he jumped, staring wild-eyed at the concerned face of Mirajane above him. He knew how he must look to her, and knew that she was seeing literally everything he was feeling, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. There was sorrow in her gaze, and understanding - _understanding!_ That was all he wanted, he just wanted someone else to know what he was going through, he wanted someone else to understand what it was to lose something so important and _know_ that it could never come back...

Suddenly he found himself pulled into her as she hugged him tightly enough to almost bruise him, and droplets of water were raining down on his back as she held him to herself. Muffled sobs were making their way out of her, but she kept them quiet.

Whether it was to comfort himself or Mirajane, Gray didn't know, but he wrapped his arms around her as well. It didn't help much, but the wild agony beating inside his chest soothed ever so slightly, and he would take whatever he could get at the moment.

"I'm so sorry, Gray," she murmured after a few minutes of crying. She carefully pulled away and sat there on the floor in front of him, wiping at her eyes and cheeks. She looked at him, the absolute picture of misery. "I'm supposed to be comforting you, and wound up crying all over you. I just..."

He knew. But it wasn't until one warm drop fell onto the hand clutched in his lap that he realized he had cried, too. That hadn't happened in...such a long time. Not since he'd watched the workers at the funeral home put down the foundations for a smooth headstone with the picture of a smiling young woman etched into it. Just the memory was enough to make a fresh wave of pain surge over him.

"And...and Gajeel!" Mirajane cried, mercifully distracting him. He concentrated on her with all his will, desperate to have something else to acknowledge besides how badly he was hurting. "I know it's not fair, but he—" She broke off suddenly, looking horrified.

Gray's eyes narrowed, and he regarded her suspiciously. "He...what?" he asked. Whatever she had just been about to say, it couldn't have been worse than anything he'd already been through.

Mirajane shook her head fervently, wiping at her cheeks again. "I-I can't," she said shakily, not looking at him. "It's not true, anyway, no matter what he says—"

"Mirajane!" Gray broke into her speech loudly, glaring. If Gajeel had a problem with him, then he would get to the bottom of it! None of this screwing around!

He was angry now, and it was distracting from everything else. It was better to be angry than to be hurting. Anger, he could deal with. Had dealt with for most of his life. This hurting, on the other hand, was far beyond what he was used to handling. And he couldn't tell why; why wasn't he over it yet? Not even Ur's demise had caused such a reaction in him, and he'd cursed himself for literally years over what he'd caused to happen to her. So why this?

"Tell me what he said!" he snapped, regretting the harsh tone immediately when Mirajane's eyes filled with tears again. He took a deep breath to calm himself, then said in a gentler tone, "Please, Mira. I just want to know. If it's about me, then I should know. That way I can fix it, right?"

She didn't look convinced, and it took another ten minutes of wheedling to do it. But finally, she looked him in the eye again, and her face was as miserable as he'd ever seen it.

"You need to understand, Gray...he's just hurting, alright? He doesn't actually think this. And none of us feel this way either. Alright?"

He murmured a soft affirmative, feeling his anger building up again. Would she just get on with it already?

And then she did, and he immediately wished she hadn't.

"Gajeel thinks...well, it's just that...that apparently Juvia had asked you to go on that...m-mission with her, and you said no. A...and Gajeel thinks that if you had gone with her, then..."

_She would still be here,_ the nasty voice in the back of Gray's mind finished. _It's your own fault she's gone._

For the second time in a year, his world shattered completely.

"_Juvia, I don't think I could do this..."_

Almost dream-like, he managed to thank Mirajane for the information she'd just given him, and then turned and made his way out of the back room of the bar. He could hear her calling for him, but he quickened his pace because if she caught him, attempted to talk to him, he was afraid of what he might do. Already tiny ice crystals were forming on his hands and under his feet, leaving small shards on the floor behind him.

His hurry didn't go unnoticed, and he could hear others of his guildmates calling out to him as he past them. All that mattered was that he got outside. Away from - away from everything. He had to get out; desperation and rage and pure, crippling agony were clawing away at his insides, and he could feel his eyes burning but he refused to give in to that.

_No. No. I will not._

Somehow, he managed to make it all the way out of town before he couldn't take it anymore, and the otherwise peaceful air of the forest was shattered by the sound of several trees being skewered on huge spears of ice all at once. Terrified animals and birds hurried away, squawking and crying out as they went, but louder than them all were the cries that tore from Gray's throat against his will.

He didn't know how to handle any of this, none of what he was feeling made any sense to him. Senseless destruction was not his thing, but it felt so good to be the one doing the hurting instead of being hurt that it was almost therapeutic, in a sick, sad way.

But each time he thought he was going to be OK, those words would surge back into his head: _She would still be here if you'd gone with her._

_It's your own fault she's gone,_ that awful voice reiterated. No longer mocking, it just sounded as weary and hurt as he himself felt.

Finally, after what seemed like hours though it could have only been half an hour at the most, Gray felt the last of his magic slipping out of him in an explosive stream. He'd been releasing it mostly unconsciously, and all around him were signs of destruction: trees utterly destroyed, rocks split in half by blades of ice, the ground razed to hell and back...

_Your fault. It's your fault. If you hadn't been so lazy, if you'd just gone with her, you could have protected her. Helped her. Saved her. Juvia would still be here if not for you._

Juvia.

"_Juvia will see you when she gets back, Gray-sama!"_

But she didn't. She _lied_, she said she'd see him again, and she never did, and now she'd been gone for an entire year and he still didn't know how to come to terms with it!

He slumped, suddenly exhausted. He'd used up his entire reserve of magic in this...whatever it was, and blessed blackness was creeping up on him. Blessed because he knew he'd be unconscious for at least a while. He would feel nothing, would be aware of nothing, a reprieve from...from everything. No pain, no feeling, no emptiness, no anything whatsoever.

And so it was that Erza found him, ten minutes later, unconscious and curled up in the middle of the destruction he'd caused with his magic. It would have been impressive if not for the fact that she knew why he'd done it, and she carefully lifted her teammate up and carried him back to his home.

* * *

_Something is missing._

_It's something so terribly important, and although he doesn't know what exactly it is, he knows that he absolutely must find it or else...or else what? What is he looking for that he must find so urgently? His mind is too clogged by fear to form a coherent answer to this._

_It seems like he's been searching for years already in this dark world where he can't see anything around him, but he doesn't know how much time has actually passed since he began. He doesn't even know when he began his search. All that is in his head is that he is missing something vitally important to his life, and he must find it. The frustration builds, but he doesn't even consider the idea of giving up. He cannot give up, because that would mean losing this forever, and that is something he doesn't even want to imagine._

_And then, a voice speaks behind him, shattering the silence otherwise broken only by his own frustrated voice._

"_Gray-sama..."_

_Startled, he whirls around, and as soon as he lays his eyes upon her form, he knows that this is what he has been searching for. The thing he has been missing for so long, what he so desperately needs to find._

_Juvia. Juvia, Juvia!_

_It's almost like the sun has come out, but the world around him is still dark and he can see nothing but himself and her. Joy, pure and untainted by anything else, erupts within him - he's found her at last, here she is, she's safe! Joy and relief now, too, mixing in equal bits. Now that she is here, he doesn't have to be without her any longer! It's been so long, but now his work has paid off in full._

_Oh, God. His heart is thudding in his chest with excitement and adrenaline and so much happiness, he thinks he might burst from the force of it. Despite not remembering much, he knows somehow that it has been a very long time since he's been this happy, and the effect is dizzying. He laughs aloud, and there is nothing that can bring him down now._

"_Juvia!" He runs towards her, fully intending to embrace her - there is a memory attempting to push itself into his mind, a memory of intending to do so once before and being unable to for...some reason - but he cannot, for he goes through her and almost falls flat on his face in the process._

_There is silence for that moment, as Gray picks himself up and turns to face her, unable to stop his limbs from shaking. "Juvia...?" he asks, and he can't bring himself to voice his next thoughts._

_The fear is coming back once more, acrid and terrible, and he just knows that at any moment she will vanish if he doesn't manage to do something to make her stay._

_No. No, he has to make her stay. Losing her is absolutely not an option here, not after being without her for so long._

_He reaches out to her, but she does not reach back._

"_Juvia, I..." He swallows painfully. What can he say to her that will make her stay with him? He knows he needs to say something, but the words simply will not come out._

"_Why didn't you go with me?"_

_The question is soft-spoken and free of malice, but it cuts deeper than any insult Gray has ever received. What words he might have said stick in his throat and stay there._

"_I...I wish..." Her voice is so soft that he has to strain to hear it, and he is aware that this would be the happiest moment of his life if not for what is transpiring instead of what should have happened. She is just as he last saw her - except, now that he looks, he realizes that she is wearing the same dress as when she'd been lain inside of a wooden box with her eyes closed forever._

_No...he pushes that thought away. Thinking of that will break this down, and he's not ready to let go of it just yet. Not until he's convinced her to go back with him. It's so, so, so important, and he can't let himself think of anything else until he's done it._

"_I wish you'd gone with me, Gray-sama," she says bleakly, staring at him with tears in her eyes and running down her face, and he feels his own tears begin to fall to match hers._

"_Juvia—" He tries to speak, but only manages to say her name. He has to let her know he's sorry, has to tell her it's his fault, has to beg her to stay. It is all his fault that she's gone, but if there's a chance that he can fix it, then he must take it. He's been looking for her for so long, and he's finally found her._

_Please don't leave me again. Please._

"_I wish you'd gone with me. I wish I hadn't gone."_

_He will forever curse himself for not having gone with her, he knows, and this only grinds salt into the unhealed wounds on his heart. Speaking of his heart, it feels like it is literally breaking inside of him._

_Gray watches helplessly as Juvia brings her hands up to her face and covers it with them, her whole body trembling as she cries. He tries to reach out to her again, but once more, his hand merely passes through her, and she cries harder._

_He cannot touch her. What awful torture this is, he finds himself thinking numbly. I can see, but I cannot touch her. Why can't I touch her?_

"_Juvia," he pleads quietly. If he can just make her reach for him in turn, then maybe, just maybe she will become real. Maybe he will be able to touch her, and bring her back with him from...wherever this place is. He's looked for her for so long, and here she is, in front of him. "Please..."_

"_I miss you," she whispers._

"_Come back with me."_

"_I wish you'd gone with me."_

"_Please, Juvia."_

"_It's all your fault."_

_These words stab at him, spoken so suddenly and with such venom as they are. Gray flinches back as though she has just struck him, even though she hasn't moved a muscle. She is lowering her hands from her face now, staring at him with rage and grief in her eyes, and it breaks his heart all over again to see her looking at him like this._

_He must have really gotten too used to her adoration if he can't handle her glaring at him. All he's ever seen her do when it comes to him is look at him with love and happiness, and he would give anything now just for her to smile and stop looking at him like he was the one who killed her!_

_He chokes suddenly, because that is what he's been trying so desperately to avoid throughout this whole thing. Juvia is dead, and even though he was not the one to kill her, hadn't even been present when it happened, he is still partially to blame._

"_Why didn't you go with me?"_

_There is no reason he can give her that she or he or anyone else will accept. Worthless excuses fall flat on his tongue and die as soon as they are formed._

"_I...I couldn't!" He tries to make her understand, anyway, despite knowing she will never understand because he himself doesn't. He can't remember the reason for why he didn't go with her, and he hates himself for not being able to do so. Not that it would help even if he could. There is nothing that he or anyone could say that would make this alright. "I...I'm sorry...Juvia...I'm sorry..."_

_He reaches for her again out of sheer desperation and lack of anything else he could do, but she is no longer there. As suddenly as she appeared, she has gone, and the dark space around him is empty. "JUVIA!" he shouts, leaping to his feet and whipping around every which way for a sign of her, but of course there is none._

"_JUVIA! JUVIA!"_

_She is gone, just as she has been for the past year._

* * *

**Author's Note: ****I...feel rather bad for Gray in here, I must admit. And the thing with Gajeel...well, I feel like Juvia and Gajeel should be better friends than they've been shown to be in the manga – she refers to him as "Gajeel**_**-kun**_**", for crying out loud, and worries about him a lot, and they DID have a fair bit of interaction when they first joined Fairy Tail. But starting with the Edolas arc, their interactions kinda dropped off the radar. He seemed pretty comfortable around her during those times, too (or at least more comfortable than he was around anyone else), so I guess I'd love to see more canon stuff dedicated to their friendship. As such, I think he'd be very hurt by her passing as well, and is just lashing out in here, as Mirajane said. (That, and onesided Gajeel x Juvia is a guilty pleasure of mine. At some point I'll have to do something with it...)**

**All of that aside, Gray does not hate Juvia in here for dying. It hurts him very badly and he's grieving, and grief makes it very easy to lash out and to come up with things that you later realize are completely absurd. He doesn't know how to deal with the things he's feeling. It'll get better for him, though...eventually.**

**Please review, and I will see you all in two weeks.**


	3. Static

**This chapter is probably the most light-hearted one in the fic. Gray's learning to come to terms with what he's feeling, but it's still hard for him. Plus, he has an awesome group of friends who all want to help him out. And there's a little something at the end that I beg you all not to kill me for. The author's note at the bottom will explain all, I promise.**

**So, um...what are your theories for next week's chapter of the manga? Apparently its title is "Song of the Heavenly Dragon" or something like that – my guess is that either it's going to have something to do with Lucy (lol, what if all those fics where she becomes a dragon slayer are proven right?), or otherwise something to do with Sting. I really want Sting to show up in this arc and kick ass with his Holy element. I imagine that would be very effective against demons.**

**This chapter is almost 12,000 words long, and that's way longer than I had intended. Um, oops? Next time will probably only be about half as long, and the final one...not sure. Still working on those two.**

**Disclaimer: Anything you don't recognize as canon most likely belongs to me unless otherwise noted. **_**Fairy Tail**_** and all related canon belong to Hiro Mashima.**

**Warning: Implied and/or non-graphically described sex, heavy angst, character death, etc.**

**Pairing: Gray Fullbuster x Juvia Lockser, with minor Natsu x Lucy, Mirajane x Laxus, Jellal x Erza, etc.**

**End of Silence**

**By: Saya Moonshadow**

* * *

_**Static**_

* * *

It seemed like he had just blinked, but suddenly the month of September was over and October had arrived. Not that Gray would really know. The days were once again passing in a colorless blur - as bleak as his name might imply, he was living in what seemed to be a thick haze of mist where he caught only snatches of what was going on outside of his personal bubble.

And so it came as a complete shock when Lucy ran up to him on the first of October and threw her arms around him, exclaiming loudly for him to look, look, look, oh my God, Gray, just LOOK ALREADY! He pried her off of himself with a touch of annoyance - it had been a long time since he'd had any real contact with...well, virtually anybody. He hadn't done a mission with the team in several months, and physical contact had virtually ceased over a year ago. Suddenly it just seemed _wrong_ somehow to touch other people.

But this was Lucy, and she was his very dear friend who cared about him, and he was willing to humor her if need be. She'd been through enough crap herself the past years, what with her father and Edolas and the Grand Magic Games and whatnot, and if she wanted a hug, then who was he to deny her?

Plus, Natsu was watching them from across the room, and Gray really wasn't in the mood for him to come charging over should something go wrong.

Obligingly, he looked down at the hand that Lucy was shoving into his face. It looked normal enough; her left hand, so no pink Fairy Tail mark on the back of it - just a golden band with—

Oh.

_OH._

He looked back up at her, understanding what she was trying to tell him, and feeling strangely touched that he was apparently the first she'd chosen to tell - for if she'd told anyone else first, the whole guild would be in hysterics by now.

It was a nice little ring, really - simple and elegant, just like Lucy herself (when she wasn't in the middle of one of her "episodes", anyway) and the way she kept glancing down at it spoke volumes to Gray.

He smiled, a genuine smile for once. It...felt so good to smile and have it be real. The first of its kind in over a year, he reflected, but then he redirected his attention back to Lucy, who was obviously and very eagerly waiting for his opinion on the matter.

"I'm happy for you," he told her, sincerely. Her eyes brightened, and he knew then what she had been trying to accomplish. Not just to show him her ring and the promise that had come with it, but to show him something she knew would make him happy, even if it was only for a few minutes. She really was such a good person, and he was so grateful for her existence just then.

And for Natsu's, too, actually, because he could _see_ the damn smug little smirk on that stupid dragon's face as he watched Gray with his fiancée. But mixed in with the derision was actual relief, and Gray gave him a nod and a smile, which was as close to a thank you as he could get at the current point in time.

Thinking quickly, he let go of Lucy's hand, letting it fall to her side. Then, ignoring her perplexed look and Natsu's suspicious glare, he climbed onto the nearest table, nearly upsetting the myriad of beer mugs gathered on its surfaced and shouted for order.

Instantly, silence fell over the guild, and everyone in it turned to look at him. It was unnerving - he hadn't had this many eyes on him since September 7th, when he'd gone running out, and he pushed the memory out of his head because what he was about to say was so much more important right now. This was his two best friends' happiness, and he was so happy for them, and he wanted the rest of the guild to share in the first true happiness he'd had since the year before.

"As you all know," he began, clearing his throat nervously - God, he was really bad at public speaking. "Our two dear friends Natsu and Lucy have been skirting around each other for, oh...about nine years now, give or take a few seven-year-long gaps."

There were laughs from all around, the humor mixed with surprise at the route he'd taken. He was sure they'd been expecting him to say something about what had happened last month, not whatever this was.

Oh, were _they_ in for a surprise.

"I'll drink to that!" Wakaba shouted from near the bar, raising his mug up high. "I got good money ridin' on 'em!"

In the laughter that followed, Gray could hear Lucy yelling at the older wizard for betting on her. Following this was Natsu's demand to know how much had been placed on the odds. The answer was ten thousand jewels, and this was just from Wakaba, never mind everyone else. Gray refrained from telling the Dragon Slayer that the betting pool had long since gone from a _"Do you think they'll ever hook up?"_ scenario to _"So, when do you think their first kid will be born?"_. Likely he'd be informed of this soon enough.

"Well," he said, drawing everyone's attention back to himself, "I think they've got a little something to tell you. Natsu?"

He gestured grandly at the table, making a great show of giving up his spot as he stepped down, this time knocking over a mug that happened to belong to Nab. The Seith wizard said not a word, however, too busy focusing his attention on Natsu, who was now dragging a loudly protesting Lucy towards the table.

Finally, the Dragon Slayer got bored of this and simply scooped her up, leaped towards the table, and landed right where Gray had been standing a moment before. All the other items on the table's surface clattered off from the force of his landing, and Lucy shrieked loud enough to make him wince.

Shaking it off, Natsu hoisted his fiancée into the air and proclaimed like a man who had just been declared king, "LUCY'S GONNA MARRY ME! That's right, I asked and she said YES! So all of you who bet on it, I guess that means you win!"

Absolute chaos followed, just as Gray knew it would, and he very quickly got out of the way of the many, many well-wishers that rushed the new couple. Dodging around a loudly blubbering Elfman and narrowly managing to avoid being hit in the head with the business end of Mirajane's high heels after she threw herself onto Laxus, sobbing noisily, he slipped out the back door before anyone noticed.

Once the door were safely closed behind him, he leaned against it and slowly sank to the ground, covering his face with his hands and rubbing at his eyes. It was cloudy outside, and the air was slightly nippy. It'd probably rain within the next week, he reflected, looking up at the sky.

Rain...

If Juvia were here, it might be raining.

"_When Juvia is very sad and crying, it rains,"_ she'd explained to him once, a long time ago. He couldn't remember what she'd been crying about then, nor could he explain how he had known that that rain was hers, but he'd known all the same and she had stopped crying soon enough. He supposed just making it rain when you cried was a huge improvement over her previous situation.

If Juvia were here, the guild would have been flooded by now, and the sky might even be pouring buckets. The thought brought a dull ache to his chest. If Juvia were here...Mavis, how she'd be crying, but with happiness, not sadness. Happiness for her so-called "love rival" being off the market, but more for the fact that this was true love that had finally come to its conclusion. Natsu and Lucy loved each other, that was plain for anyone to see, and Juvia was nothing if not an absolute love freak. She'd be crying and hugging Lucy so tightly if she were here right now, and the guild would be flooded with the force of her happiness.

She would have been crying out of _happiness_...so why, then, did Gray imagine her crying now for an entirely different reason?

_How happy you'd be,_ he thought, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the wooden door behind him, _and how happy I was just a moment ago. I wish you were here to see that. I wish I could tell you about it..._

His eyes snapped open. An idea was forming in his mind, completely half-baked and probably really, really stupid, but it was the best he had for now.

* * *

Kardia Cathedral was just as he remembered it being - tall and imposing, but still rather majestic, even if he'd never been one for religion or spirituality. He supposed someone like Bixlow might find this place unbearable, what with his ability to see ghosts and spirits and whatnot, because what place was better for them to hang out than in or around a burial ground?

Behind the church was this burial ground, and it was a rather large section that he was after - a grassy one reserved for Fairy Tail wizards who didn't want to make other arrangements for their bodies...or for those whose bodies were able to be recovered. A death during a mission, for example, had about an 85% chance of the body being lost.

He found he was very guiltily grateful for the fact that Juvia had fit into the 15% in this case.

Her grave was surprisingly well-kept, though he supposed Lucy or Erza or someone probably came every so often to keep it in check. No grass was threatening to overcome her headstone, the stone itself was spotless, and the flowers that rested in the small urn beside it were fresh. Bluebells, they looked like.

Juvia had liked bluebells, he remembered. The color blue in general, but blue flowers...they had a tendency to make her face light up. He began to regret not bringing her any now, but he was already here. Next time, then, because he knew without a doubt that he would be back.

"Hey, Juvia," he began awkwardly, then cleared his throat. God, what was he doing? How exactly was he supposed to go about this? It felt uncomfortably like he was just talking to thin air, to nothing at all, and he glanced around, making sure no one was around to see or hear him. He took a deep breath.

"Hey, Juvia," he began again, slower this time. He lowered himself so he was kneeling in the grass by her headstone. "It's...been a while. Since I visited, I mean. I haven't been back here since your...since your funeral."

Oh God, how those words hurt, but he steeled himself to continue. He had to get these words out, because she deserved to know. And despite how much it hurt, this was almost therapeutic in a way. Speaking to her again, even if she wasn't really here anymore...God, he hadn't realized just how much he had missed it.

"And I'm sorry. I'll make sure to come see you more often from now on. I know you probably don't get a lot of visitors...or...or maybe you do. I don't know. But...but I know you get lonely easily, so I guess I just wanted to come and say hi."

The words were coming easier now, pushing past the former difficulty. The more he spoke, it seemed, the more he had to say.

"Natsu and Lucy got engaged today," he told her softly. "You should have seen her face when she told me. I didn't see him ask - he must've done it in private or something, but she was...radiant. I think that's the word. She looked so happy, and...and so did he. I was the first person they told, you know. Out of everyone in the guild, they told me first."

He swallowed hard, the lump in his throat coming forward. Once it was under control, he started up again. "I had to let the whole guild know, of course. I mean, it wasn't fair for just _me_ to know, right? They all had to know, so I...I got up on the table and made them tell everybody. You should have seen it - he lifted her up over his head like she was a set of weights or something and just _shouted_ it out, that she'd agreed to marry him. I've never seen him so happy before."

A small droplet of water hit the black-and-white picture of her on her headstone, and Gray looked upwards at the sky. At some point within the forty-five minutes it had taken him to walk from the guild to the church, the clouds had covered what little of the sky had been showing. And now, it seemed, it was starting to rain.

"I dunno when the wedding is. They didn't tell me, but I guess Erza'll make them pick a date soon enough. I saw her wiping away a few tears before I came out here, actually. It's good to know she's kinda human after all, huh? And Mirajane...she was all over Laxus and crying her eyes out, she was so happy. Elfman, too. Everybody was...so happy."

More drops came down, landing on him now. It wouldn't be long till it really started coming down, but Gray wasn't about to let it drive him away. Not until he'd said what he needed to.

Now came the hard part.

"If you were there," he said slowly, his eyes fixed upon the picture of her, "you'd have been crying harder than anyone. You'd have been the first one to jump on Lucy and squeeze the air out of her and tell her how happy you were. And you'd probably wash Natsu away with those tears while you were at it." A small chuckle burst out of him at the image that came to mind. "And you'd be shouting it out, that now your 'love rival' was no longer on the market and everybody had to back off. And you'd spend the rest of the day dancing around the guild because you were so happy."

If Juvia had been there, she would have jumped on him as soon as she was done congratulating Lucy and hugged him as tightly as she could while he struggled to get away so he could breathe, all the while babbling about weddings and babies and the like. He felt cold suddenly, but it didn't seem to be from the rain.

Missing her hugs, both the regular ones and the ones that came from out of nowhere when she was feeling particularly emotional, wasn't something he'd ever expected to have to deal with. Sure, it had been somewhat flattering that a pretty girl would enjoy hugging him all the time, but often he had found it smothering. Now, he just wished she was still here so she could keep doing it.

God, how he wished she was still here. He hadn't felt normal since the day she'd vanished from his life completely, but it was something he would just have to deal with from now on. It wasn't like she was ever going to return.

"You'd be a bridesmaid, of course." Gray continued to speak even though rain was now coming down in spades. "Maybe even Maid of Honor, though I guess you'd have a lot of competition for it. There's no way you'd miss out on being in the wedding. And I...I'd be opposite you. It'll be either me or Gajeel in the Best Man's spot, and I know Lucy'd pick Levy if it were him just so they could dance together. Although I guess you could have danced with Gajeel just fine..." A sudden streak of bitterness shot through him at the idea of this. "But I think I'd prefer to. The only time I ever got to dance with you was at the party, after the Grand Magic Games. And that was because Erza said she'd beat me into the floor if I didn't do it. But I still had fun. I didn't tell you that, and I..."

He'd more or less rejected her after that, he remembered. Told her to back off, that he'd only be accepting the affection he wanted from now on. She'd taken it well, all things considered - only seemed to swoon over how "cool" he was being. God, what a difference a year made. He'd gone from wishing she'd leave him alone to actually missing it when she hugged him out of nowhere.

"I really wish you were here, Juvia," he finished miserably. "I wish you were here so you could see all of this for yourself. I wish you'd never taken that mission."

He couldn't bring himself to apologize for not going with her that day. The wound was still too raw, and the only way he'd managed to survive the past month was by forcing it out of his mind whenever the thought threatened to surface. Vocalizing it would cause him to imagine how she'd react, and he knew without a doubt that he wouldn't be able to handle it.

Sighing, Gray stood up and stared down at her headstone, barely even noticing the fact that he was now completely saturated from head to toe. His clothes were still all on, but that was almost normal nowadays. His stripping habit didn't pop up as much as it used to, and while he had once imagined he'd be grateful for this, knowing why the habit had gone down soured the experience.

"I'll come back later this week," he told her. "And I'll bring flowers this time. Bluebells, or...or something. I don't know what else you liked besides those."

He struggled to think of something, anything, else to say, but it seemed he had managed to get out everything that could come out. No more words entered his head, and he took one last, long look at the stone in the ground before forcing himself to begin walking back home.

Two days later found him back in front of the headstone, quietly describing the latest news about the impending wedding. It was to be held in late spring, and as he'd expected, Natsu had indeed asked - demanded, actually - that he be his Best Man. Levy had been asked to be Lucy's Maid of Honor, which meant Gray would have to share the first dance with her. He just hoped Gajeel didn't decide to kill him for it, and he shared this with Juvia, knowing it would have made her laugh had she been around to hear it.

"_Gray-sama mustn't be afraid of Gajeel-kun,"_ he could almost hear her saying in response. _"Gajeel-kun will behave himself for the wedding, Juvia promises. It's afterwards that you will have to worry about!"_

He'd have to make sure to be ready to bolt as soon as his dance with Levy was over with, then. Getting murdered by a jealous Dragon Slayer had never been very high on his list of priorities.

When he left later that day, a small structure made of ice sat beside the headstone, sheltering a pair of orange snapdragon stalks from the rain that came down that night.

* * *

Planning for a wedding was quite possibly the most aggravating thing he'd ever done.

Gray could honestly say he didn't give a rat's ass over how many flower arrangements would be strewn about the place during the actual ceremony; who the hell cared about how it looked? Just so long as they got married and made out and had kids and stuff, they were good to go.

But he understood that it was important to Lucy, and thus important to Natsu (who he knew for a fact wouldn't have minded getting married in a public toilet just so long as it was to Lucy), and so he put up with hers and Mirajane's endless imagining and planning and re-working.

Why they were including him so much in the process, he didn't know. You'd think they would have gotten by now that he had absolutely no clue how to color coordinate flowers, or how to tell a bad cake design from a good one, or how to make seating arrangements without offending anybody, or virtually anything about wedding receptions. It felt like a foreign language at times, but he was determined to get through it. It was something to concentrate on, and moreover, it made Natsu and Lucy happy to see him actively taking a part in everything.

"Ah, see, I knew ya cared!" Natsu said on the ninth day of this craziness. He threw one arm over Gray's shoulders, grinning hugely. "Now all we gotta do is get you a suit, and we're good to go!"

Gray refrained from saying that he already _had_ a suit. The last time he'd worn it had been at Juvia's funeral, and he hadn't looked at it since. As soon as he'd taken it off, it had been stuffed into a box and hidden at the back of one of his drawers, never to come out unless absolutely needed. Still, it was the only one he owned, and perhaps this would be a good memory for the thing instead of the horrible one he'd come to associate it with.

Gajeel, as it turned out, had insisted on handling the rings.

Once he ingested a metal, he retained the ability to make it, he explained to Lucy when she questioned if he could afford or produce enough gold needed to create a set of rings. And gold was like candy to a metal Dragon Slayer - not the healthiest of things to eat, but sweet and filling. And he could even use his magic to make it so that the things would never melt, even in the hottest of Natsu's flames. It wouldn't even be a problem, though Lucy had looked only about halfway convinced when she gave him the OK to do it.

Gray had stayed off to the side during this meeting. He still hadn't spoken to Gajeel since...well, since the funeral, really. They didn't have much to do with each other to begin with, but the past year had put what could only be described as a rift between them. Gray knew he would probably have to face the Iron Dragon Slayer about this eventually, but he was determined to put it off for as long as possible. He could only imagine how that conversation would play out...

"_It's your fault she's dead!"_

"_Yes. I know it is."_

Now was for Natsu and Lucy's wedding preparations, and he was determined not to take any of it away from them. They deserved so much to be happy after all the crap both of them had been put through. He'd be damned if he allowed anything to ruin it for them.

And...he had no desire to face what he'd been through last month. The topic was still too sore to dwell on for longer than a few moments at a time. He needed some more time before he could do that without risking another episode.

* * *

The guest list included the most random assortment of people he'd ever seen, from Princess Hisui and her father, the King of Fiore, to a man in shabby clothes who turned out to be the son of the famous author Kemu Zaleon, to the members of Sabertooth. It was odd for Gray to remember how bitter Fairy Tail's rivalry with them had once been. Now they were being invited to one of the most anticipated weddings in the guild's history.

Funny how things worked out. They'd just have to keep Sting from drinking too much and hitting on inanimate objects, and things would be just peachy.

"Put him between Rogue and Yukino," Lucy instructed with a frown when she was helping Gray go over that portion of the seating arrangements. "And make sure Rogue's nowhere near Milliana; she scares him."

Gray marked both down.

"And...hm. Put Bacchus near Cana—"

"He'll try to steal her clothes again," Gray interjected. "Do you really want flashers at your wedding?"

Not that many people would really protest a half-naked Cana, but Gildarts just might kill the Drunken Falcon in retaliation, and the last thing they all needed was to hold another damned funeral.

He winced at that thought, but the point still stood.

And not that he could very well talk either, having spent the majority of his life stripping unconsciously.

Lucy rolled her eyes, not noticing his wince. "She'll be in a _dress_, Gray. It'll be pretty hard to get one of those off in front of everyone like that."

"If I can manage it, so can Cana. Or Bacchus. Both of them."

She blinked at him in confusion and slight awe. "Wait a minute, are you saying you've worn a dress before? Where was I when this happened?"

Gray coughed awkwardly, avoiding her gaze and staring fixedly at the paper with the seating arrangements on it. "I thought we were supposed to concentrating on your wedding preparations?"

To his relief, she gave in with only a slightly sly smile.

Officially, he had no idea what she was talking about.

Unofficially, it had been when he was thirteen, when Erza was going through one of her wardrobe turnovers and had decided she needed fashion dummies to model her clothes for her so she could decide what to keep and what to toss. Neither he nor Natsu had been able to outrun her, and rather than just buy a cheap dummy or two for this purpose, she had instead forced the two boys to model outfit after outfit after outfit after outfit until she was satisfied. That day had marked his fastest stripping record, at exactly .3 seconds in getting that last damned dress off.

Natsu, on the other hand, had settled for _burning_ his off, which had, unsurprisingly, resulted in a beating of epic proportions from the dress's owner.

And even though he knew it would likely end in disaster, he wrote Bacchus' name next to Cana's on the chart.

Well, it was bound to be entertaining, at the very least.

* * *

"They're putting Max next to Erza at the wedding. Dunno if he'll survive that, she gets a little grabby when she's emotional. He might die if she tries to hug him."

He had been coming out to the cemetery more and more as the wedding preparations went on. Not that he minded noise and craziness, but his tolerance for both was rather low these days, and the cemetery was often a welcome respite from everything. Calm and serene, with almost no one around to bother him except for the occasional other visitor.

"It won't be for a while, you know, because of preparations and something about wanting to wait until it's not so cold. Late spring, I think is when they said, but I wasn't paying attention so I don't remember the exact date. June something."

Closing his eyes, he could _hear_ her laughing at his words, as she'd always done when he told her a joke, no matter how stupid or unfunny it was. _"Gray-sama should pay more attention, then, otherwise he will miss the wedding entirely!"_

Gray scoffed playfully, still with his eyes closed, but didn't say anything further. December was just about over, and snow was blanketing the ground all around him. Most of the gravestones were covered in it as well, but he'd swept it away from Juvia's as soon as he'd arrived. "I won't miss it," he told her. "Not for anything."

He could _feel_ her smile then, and felt an answering smile of his own bloom over his face. _"That's good. Juvia is glad."_

His visits to this place were increasingly longer as they went on, to the point that he sometimes wound up spending half the night in front of her grave. The cemetery was open at all hours, so it wasn't like he had a curfew or a reason to leave, but he had begun to dread going home again. He was about 20% out of the special blue goop that Porlyusica had made for him, and watching it slowly dwindle more and more each night was nerve-wracking. At some point he would have to get her to make some more...he absolutely didn't want to go back to dreaming.

Didn't want to dream, didn't want to remember the dream, nothing at all.

No matter how completely empty he felt in the mornings, the leftover effects of those dreams were ten times worse.

"I think Jellal will be there," he said listlessly, tilting his head back to stare up at the clouds. For once it wasn't snowing, and he found he was grateful. The last thing he needed was to get snowed in at the cemetery. "There's no way he'd miss out on seeing Erza in a sexy dress." He laughed when he imagined Juvia's face at his last remark, steaming mad and green with envy, with large, melodramatic tears gathering in her eyes. "Don't worry, there's nothing going on there except between Erza and Jellal," he said reassuringly. He was aware that he must have looked like a madman, talking to thin air as he was, but he didn't mind. There were some visits where he spoke to her, and others where he couldn't think of anything to say and just sat there in silence. This was one of the former situations.

It was...so nice to be able to speak to her again, even if she couldn't hear or ever answer him. Just knowing that she would have listened had she been there to do so helped.

"_Juvia certainly hopes so."_

He smiled against his will.

* * *

Months passed, and Gray found himself at the cemetery almost every day. It had become a refuge of sorts, a sanctuary - someplace he could go and just _be_. There was no one at the cemetery who looked at him with pity, no one who skirted around important subjects, no one who constantly asked him if he was alright. It was just him and the image of Juvia printed on a flat gray stone in the ground.

Sometimes Lucy or Erza or even Mirajane would accompany him here, but he was the only one who came so consistently. He was aware that his guildmates were aware of his daily visits, but as it was none of their business what he did with his free time, he completely disregarded their opinions on the matter.

"Hello, Juvia," he said quietly that bright, sunny morning in June. He was dressed in a suit that he'd only worn a few times before - he'd danced with her in this suit, and he'd also worn it to her funeral more than a year ago. The memories it held were both good and awful, and he preferred to focus on the first one than the latter. "Natsu and Lucy are getting married today. Can you believe it? It's already been seven months since they got engaged..."

He closed his eyes, breathing in deep. The air was warm, with a gentle breeze just barely ghosting around the quiet graveyard.

If he concentrated, he could almost believe that the soft feeling of the wind on his skin was from her own hands. They had been just about this warm, and perhaps even softer and gentler than this, but tougher at the same time. The hands of a woman who wouldn't let anyone push her around, but who also knew when to be kind.

The last time he'd felt her hands had been the day she left, he remembered. Unconsciously, his right hand balled into a fist. He could still recall the feeling of her fingers entwined with his, smaller and slimmer than his were, and touching him as though he were something infinitely precious.

_No._ He could not allow those kinds of thoughts to take over just now. In a few hours, he would be standing in the very church that stood in front of this place, slightly behind Natsu and watching as his friend and rival got married to the woman he loved. There would be nothing else to concentrate on except for that, and he refused to let anything get in the way of his enjoying this damned wedding. He'd put too much effort into it to let that happen.

He had made sure to take an extra dose of the blue goop the night previous, just in case. Better to be safe than sorry, and no matter how awful the mornings still were, at least he was well-rested enough to simply roll out of bed today.

But before anything else...he had to let Juvia know what was about to happen.

"You should have seen Natsu this morning," he told her quietly, unable to keep a small smile from breaking over his face at the memory. "He's so nervous that he almost puked all over Elfman. I can only imagine what Lucy must be like if this is how Natsu's being..."

"_Gray-sama must not think of Lucy-san naked!"_ he could almost _hear_ her yelling. Dramatic tears were pouring from her eyes in his mental image of her right then - and, perhaps most awful of all, she was not in her usual clothes.

"You'd be wearing a light blue dress..." He was almost unaware that he was speaking out loud still, caught up completely in how she would have - _should_ have looked today, were she there. "Silk, I think. And your hair would be down, and you wouldn't be wearing a hat..." He'd never told anyone this, least of all her, but he'd rather liked her with her hair down. Out of all the styles he'd seen her wear, that was the one he had thought fit her best. "And you'd be standing opposite of me today if you were here. We'd have to keep a couple hundred handkerchiefs nearby so you didn't get emotional and flood the church, and when it came time, I would have danced with you and probably spent the rest of the night unable to get away from you."

Gray completely veered away from the thought that, in his current state, he might not have wanted to get away from her. Anything would have been better than the current situation. Instead, he chose to start speaking again, telling her the way things should have been, had anything in the past year been alright. "You'd be in that room with Lucy right now, fussing over her with everybody else and probably crying your eyes out in the process. They'd have to put Lucy on a stool or something so you didn't get her dress all wet, and—"

"Gray?"

He didn't react to the voice at first, so used to imagining Juvia's voice in his thoughts whenever he was here. She always had something to say, and it gave him at least a little bit of comfort to know that he still knew her personality, even though she'd been gone for over a year now. He truly dreaded the day he forgot the sound of her voice.

And then it occurred to him that it hadn't been the voice in his mind that had just spoken, and he whirled around to see Mirajane standing there, staring at him with a soft look in her eyes. He didn't bother trying to make any excuses; she knew why he was here and how often he came. But she was also one of the few who didn't make a big deal out of it at the guild or who never questioned his sanity about it, and he was so, so much more grateful to her for this than she'd ever know.

Her strapless dress was a pale pink, several shades lighter than the one she usually wore around the guild, and was made of silk. It went down past her ankles, gracefully brushing the floor and almost hiding the white high-heeled shoes she had on her feet. A red ribbon was tied in a bow around her neck, as it would be for all Lucy's bridesmaids, and her arms were free of any adornment.

For a split second, Gray imagined Juvia wearing a light blue version of this dress, and he felt a lump coming to his throat. Embarrassed and irrationally afraid that Mirajane would somehow know what he was thinking, he turned away from her to gesture at the gravestone. "I was just...visiting. She gets lonely."

He winced as soon as the words came out, because how could a dead girl ever be lonely? And how could anyone understand what he meant by it? The Juvia he had known - still knew, even if only in his thoughts - liked company and wouldn't have wanted to spend every day alone. But Mirajane merely smiled at him and wrapped one slender arm around his waist, leaning her head on his right shoulder.

"I'm sure she's grateful that you're keeping her in the loop," she said softly, gazing down at the headstone with eyes that looked moist all of a sudden.

Gray quickly reached into his pocket and brought out a handkerchief for her to dry her eyes with - Erza would kill him if he let Mirajane cry and ruin her makeup, and Laxus would kill him just for being part of why she was crying in the first place.

She laughed a little as she accepted the small white cloth from him and dabbed at her eyes with it, taking care not to smudge her eyeliner. "I'm sorry, I know I'm just being emotional today. Pretty much everything is setting me off lately, what with the wedding and everything else..."

Gray peered at her closely. She was still smiling in that soft, sweet way she had, but her eyes were unfocused as she gazed down at the headstone, and one hand was resting almost protectively over her belly.

It took a moment for the implications to click, but when they did, he was hard-pressed not to keel over from shock.

Mavis, mother of the fairies, was she seriously—

"Are you pregnant?!"

That sounded like his voice. Oh God, it _was_ his voice. Speaking, as always, in the least sensitive manner possible. He cringed, waiting for the tears to start flowing, but Mirajane's eyes lit up in a way he hadn't seen them do in...in forever, it felt like.

"Yes," she confirmed, rubbing her belly. "I'm pregnant. You're the first person to know, actually. I haven't even told Elfman or Lisanna yet. Of course, I only found out just a few days ago..."

Oh, Laxus was going to be pissed. Unless he was the father, of course, which wouldn't have surprised Gray in the least. A happy, high-pitched squealing entered his mind, and the Juvia that lived in there was happier than he'd seen her in a long time. "Th...the father, is it...?" He trailed off, unsure how to ask the question without seeming rude.

He'd heard how touchy pregnant women could be, and though Mirajane was as kind as they came, he would not have been surprised at all if she turned out to be a complete monster thanks to all the hormones and other junk caused by pregnancy. He still hadn't forgotten how she was before Lisanna had been thrown into Edolas - hell, he was still scared of her past self, and she hadn't been like that in several years.

She grinned a little. "It's Laxus," she confirmed, and Gray let out a relieved breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. So there wouldn't be any electrocutions taking place against some poor, helpless schmuck any time soon. That was good. Except for the fact that he apparently still didn't know he was going to be a father.

Juvia's voice rang with laughter in his mind, and he had to stop himself before he opened his mouth and told her to shut up. "Are you going to tell him?"

Mirajane nodded emphatically. "Yes, after the wedding. Probably tonight, once Natsu and Lucy have gone off for their _alone time—_" and here she broke off to let out a naughty giggle that honestly kind of scared him, "—and the party's winding down, I'll tell him. Or maybe once we're at home. But yes, today. Definitely today. I've decided."

"I...see." He nodded, even though he really didn't. Once again, he'd been the first to know some precious piece of information, and this fact didn't escape him. Why was _he_ the first person to know and not her own siblings? Or, hell, the child's father?

But, looking at her, he knew why she'd told him so easily. For much the same reason Lucy had told him of her engagement first, and he felt a violent upsurge of affection for both of them. He really wasn't worthy of having such amazing people in his life.

"_Gray-sama must not think that!"_ The words were loud, but he was the only one who could hear them. He must have twitched, however, because Mirajane looked at him oddly. _"Gray-sama is more than worthy of wonderful people!"_

Shaking his head to clear it, he carefully took Mirajane's hand, allowing her to rest it in the crook of his elbow. "Come on, we should get back. They're probably setting up for the wedding inside by now, and Erza will have a fit if she thinks you've gone missing."

"She's worried now, too," Mirajane told him as she walked beside him, sedately, and with her hand still resting easily on his arm. She gave him a twinkle-eyed smile that told him he should be very afraid. "She seems to think that you've gotten cold feet and have fled for your life. I tried explaining that it's the _groom_ who's supposed to get cold feet and not the Best Man, but that's Erza for you. Although I suppose you probably have literal cold feet..."

Gray snorted at this, feeling his mouth turn up in a smile. As it was, she was right about the literal cold feet. It simply came with the territory of being an Ice Maker.

"Oh, and Gray?" They stopped, now at the back entrance to the cathedral, and he turned to look at her inquisitively. "I know you haven't done too much stripping since...well, for a long time, but do be careful. It's a rather hot day out, and I think we'd all prefer if no one stole the show from Natsu and Lucy."

He nodded, even though it stung. His stripping habit had come back a little bit, but he still no longer did it anywhere near as much as he used to. Rather than feeling overheated all the time as he once had, he now often felt cold somehow. Or perhaps this was simply what it was like to know what the room temperature was like for normal people. He hadn't known since he was very small, as Ur had knocked any sense of normalcy out of him starting at the ripe old age of seven.

Not cold, but not warm, either. And still so empty, though he was getting better at dealing with it. Still didn't know how to feel most times, and his temper was so much shorter than it had been before, but he knew how to curb it now.

"It's OK," he informed her with false cheer. Mirajane blinked, nonplussed at his tone, but finally gave him a hesitant smile in return.

She left him then, to go continue overseeing Lucy's preparations and to tell Erza that he'd been found. Gray just hoped she could keep the deranged Knight from attacking him out of sheer nerves.

* * *

"Sniff...sniffle...nngh..."

"Sting-sama, please do not wipe your nose on my dress."

Gray held in an irritated sigh as the priest continued to drone on about the wonders of marriage, all the while completely oblivious to the shenanigans taking place behind him.

Sting, it seemed, was a bit more emotional about weddings than anyone else had ever known, as he was attempting to use the hem of Yukino's dress as a tissue. The Celestial wizard had politely yanked it away from him at least four times now, but it still somehow wound up back in the White Dragon Slayer's hands. On his other side, Rogue had on a face that could only be described as "help me, my best friend is an embarrassment to nature". Both Dragon Slayers had their Exceed partners resting in their laps, and though Frosch was merely smiling at the ceremony, Lector was being just as obnoxious as Sting.

On the other side of the aisle, Bacchus had very unsubtly slung an arm around Cana's shoulders, observing the proceedings with an amused grin on his face. He had been stuffed into a tux, but had also ruined the effect by ripping the arms off of the shirt and jacket both. Cana, oddly enough, didn't seem to mind the arm around her shoulders, though her elbow was digging into the Drunken Falcon's side. Gildarts, on the other hand, was switching between practically swooning over both Cana and the events taking place, and glaring murderously at Bacchus every few seconds. Likely he was only restraining himself so as not to ruin the ceremony. The present guildmasters, Makarov, Bob, and Goldmine, were grouped together - Makarov's eyes were noticeably wet, as were Bob's, and Goldmine merely observed with a grin on his face.

Gajeel sulked next to Rogue with Pantherlily in his lap, casting looks up at Levy, who was standing behind Lucy in her place as the blonde's Maid of Honor, and studiously ignoring Gray's presence completely. Gray was more than OK with this. He still had no desire to have Gajeel confront him about anything just yet, and was honestly beginning to think he'd never be ready for it. Well...if it was about Levy, then that was OK, but the other thing..._not going there,_ he reminded himself, and turned back to watching the guests to make sure no riots broke out.

Looking up into the rafters, Gray caught a dark shape moving just out of his sight, and smiled to himself. It stood to reason that Jellal would be here - he wasn't likely to miss Erza in a pretty dress, even if he hadn't been invited, which of course he had been. But, criminals couldn't attend weddings, at least not in the open, and so he and Merudy were both hiding from any prying eyes that might try to seek them out.

And speaking of Erza, she was sitting in the front row after having walked with Lucy down the aisle, as she was one of the bridesmaids, as were Wendy, Lisanna, and Mirajane. Mirajane was discreetly wiping away tears with a tissue - exactly where was she pulling those out from? - while Lisanna cooed teasingly at Lucy under her breath. As Gray watched, the tissue in the older Strauss sister's hand vanished into seemingly nowhere. As soon as it was gone, she was handed another by Laxus - ah, so that's where they were coming from. The Lightning Dragon Slayer had the tissue box on his lap and was looking uncomfortable.

So many people had shown up...the place was practically packed. All of Lucy's Spirits, many of whom had opened their own Gates in order to be present, and virtually everyone the pair had met throughout the years. Flare Corona, Princess Hisui, the King of Fiore, Kaby Melon and his wife, the reformed criminal Velveno and his newly-married wife Aceto - Gray noticed her tiny, wizened father sitting on what appeared to be at least four encyclopedias in order to see the proceedings - a disgruntled-looking Totomaru, the Earthland version of Coco, several members of Mermaid Heel including Kagura and Milliana, members of Blue Pegasus, Quattro Cerberus, Sabertooth, Lamia Scale, and many others.

"—do you, Natsu Dragneel, take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in—"

"HELL YEAH!" Natsu bellowed, completely interrupting the old man. Several people in the audience snickered, though Gray distinctly heard a muffled sob from where Sting was sitting, along with a long-suffering grumble from Rogue. He himself sighed in annoyance.

"Dumbass," he hissed at the Fire Dragon Slayer, "you're supposed to let him finish."

Natsu at least had the grace to look embarrassed, a small flush coming to his face, and Gray felt slightly guilty. It wasn't Natsu's fault, not really - he was just excited, and he had a right to be. And if he interrupted a long-winded speech that everyone already knew by heart, well, it was _his_ goddamned wedding. He was free to interrupt it as he pleased, even if it increased his chances of death-by-Erza by roughly 300%. Or even death-by-bride, Gray thought, seeing Lucy shake her head in mock despair.

"Um, I mean, I do," the pink-haired man said, quieter, grimacing as the snickers renewed themselves. Gray heard an exasperated groan coming from Makarov, along with a wail of, "Where did I go wrong?!" as Bob patted the smaller man's shoulder comfortingly.

The priest apparently possessed infinite patience, for he merely grinned good-naturedly at Natsu before turning to Lucy. "And you, Lucy Heartphilia, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, hm, forever?"

Gray smirked - the guy also apparently possessed a sense of humor. Not bad; they definitely could have done worse.

Lucy smiled at him, and she was positively radiant. Gray had often seen her smile in an attempt to be sexy or to coerce someone into doing something for her, but, and he knew Natsu agreed with him, she was ten times more beautiful when she just _smiled_. An honest-to-God, guileless, happy smile from Lucy was so much better than the self-assured smirk she wore when she was turning on the charm, and that was the smile she was wearing right now.

"I do," she said, and before anything else could be done, Natsu had once again ignored both typical protocol and the rehearsals Erza had drilled into him for the past three weeks, rushing towards her and sweeping her up. Their lips met, and her arms wrapped around his neck securely, bringing them closer together.

The old priest took a step back with an amused grin. "Hm, well, yes, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Though I guess they've already got the kiss part taken care of."

Laughs greeted this, along with catcalls as the pair finally broke apart.

"Gonna let her breathe any time soon, Natsu?" Warren called teasingly, and Natsu laughed happily as Lucy blushed a dark red.

Further jabs were interrupted by the priest clearing his throat and loudly declaring, "I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Dragneel!"

Thunderous applause and raucous cheers greeted this statement, and Gray was fairly sure he saw dust being shaken from the ceiling of the church. He handed them both their rings, as he had been planning to _before_ they kissed, but as usual Natsu had had other plans. Watching as they slipped the rings onto each other's fingers - Lucy carefully and Natsu with more enthusiasm than decorum - he felt himself smile once again and looked towards the back of the church, at a small door off to the side.

_Are you watching?_ he thought.

* * *

It was a few hours later, back at the guild, and the reception was in full swing. Several people were completely sloshed, and much of the furniture was broken. All in all, a usual scene for a party in Fairy Tail's hall, except that everyone was dressed nicely for once instead of their usual mismatched assortment of clothes.

The cake had already been cut (and eaten, and thrown, and mashed into a few people's faces), speeches had been given, tears had been shed, and now just about everyone was very much in the business of not remembering any of it.

Over in the corner, Erza was for once not attempting to break up any brawls, instead choosing to slow dance with Jellal, whose clean-cut penguin suit ensemble was somewhat ruined by the scarves covering his face and hair. She had lain her head on his shoulder as they danced, and Gray had never seen her look so at peace. He remembered once seeing her looking at wedding dresses, and remembered even more that she had actually bought one - would she ever get to wear it in the proper context? He certainly hoped so. After all those two had been through, they deserved to be happy together at some point.

Natsu and Lucy had already left for their wedding night, although Happy had stayed behind at Mirajane's insistence. The little Exceed had been upset at first, believing it was because they didn't want him to live with them any longer, but quickly wised up at Mirajane's sly laughter. They were currently giggling together over by the bar where she was serving up drinks, probably thinking up ways to tease the newlyweds about it before they left for their honeymoon.

And speaking of Mirajane...Gray saw her excuse herself from Happy and go over to Laxus, who was in the middle of refereeing a drinking match between Cana and Bacchus. Apparently she had requested to speak with him privately, because he left his referee duties to Macao and went with her into the back room behind the bar. The same room she had dragged Gray into last September when...he pushed that thought away and watched the door almost anxiously, but there was no outburst. Nothing to suggest that a bombshell was being dropped on anyone's otherwise normal evening.

He simply hoped it stayed that way; Fairy Tail really did not need that kind of thing on today of all days.

He stood up from his seat, the room feeling stuffy all of a sudden. Time to leave, then...not for home, though. Somewhere else first.

Dodging past several very drunk people, many of whom were his own guildmates, Gray narrowly avoided being clocked in the face with a misaimed White Dragon's Claw attack - it seemed Sting was less than happy about other men asking Yukino to dance with them - and managed to make it out the door with everything but his jacket intact. The jacket had been shredded by Sting's attack, and he'd have to go and get fitted for another one at some point. Damn it...that thing had cost a lot of money. If he could swing it, then Sting was definitely going to be the one footing the bill.

He'd get Rogue to help him. Yeah, Rogue knew the value of a good suit, and besides that, never missed an opportunity to annoy Sting.

As he went, he felt his heart beginning to beat fast in his chest. The night air was warm, and he could feel himself sweating in his long-sleeved dress shirt. But it stayed on. His fingers twitched a few times, but other than that, nothing.

He wondered if he would ever gain the habit back. Maybe. He had never thought he'd miss it, but it wasn't even _it_ that he missed - it was the days before it went away. He would have gladly taken a million flashing episodes if it meant the past two years hadn't been real.

The church was quiet when he went in, still not completely cleaned up from the small after-party that had been thrown in it while the guild was still being prepared for the reception. He kicked a few deflated balloons and streamers out of his way and headed for the small door in the back - the one that led out to the graveyard.

At some point in the last few hours, someone had laid flowers down for Juvia - apparently Lucy, judging by the handwriting on the small card tucked between the bluebells' stems. Gray smiled; at least someone else besides just him and Mirajane had remembered to include her today.

She still should have been there in person. God, she should have been there.

"Hey, Juvia," he said, crouching down and being careful not to disturb the flowers. It was colder in this area thanks to the slight breeze that rippled through, and he was suddenly a little grateful for the fact that he no longer had his jacket. "So they got married today. Natsu and Lucy, I mean. We managed to go a whole two hours without Natsu messing any of it up! I know, I'm shocked too. He lost it towards the end, but I think we can all forgive him for it."

The breeze rustled softly through the bluebells in their little vase. Gray stroked them, rubbing the petals of one between his thumb and index absentmindedly.

"You were watching, weren't you? I hope you were. But just in case, I'll tell you what happened."

He described it to her - everything. All his observations, his predictions, and every single funny story he could think of that had taken place within the last several hours; by the end of the half hour he planned to stay, she had learned them all. Of course, by that time, the planned half hour had turned into an hour and forty-five minutes. It was funny...he hadn't even noticed the time going by so fast.

He could feel it, the Juvia in his mind was just about to respond, and then - footsteps on the grass behind him. Gray sprang to his feet and whirled around as a young woman materialized out of the shadows. She flinched back at his actions, and he quickly relaxed his posture. Mavis, he must have been concentrating very deeply if he had only just heard her when she was so close to him.

"Uh...sorry about that," he said, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. He gave her a small grin that was meant to set her at ease - which it did, to his relief, as she visibly relaxed. "You just startled me, is all."

"Oh! Please forgive me!" this young woman said demurely, and she took a deep breath and collected herself again. Her wavy hair was a deep green, and her eyes a dark shade of blue. The dress she'd chosen for that day was white, and her shoes were high-heeled sandals - really, he should have heard her coming.

Gray watched her somewhat warily. Not that he thought she would attack him or anything, but he wasn't used to sharing this place with other people. Sometimes he had company when he made his visits, but that was usually someone from his guild. Other visitors might also be there, but he'd never encountered one visiting somebody within twenty feet of Juvia's headstone.

It felt oddly like his personal space was being invaded, even though he knew that was ridiculous. This was a public area, open to whomever wanted to visit it. It certainly wasn't up to him to decide who could come and go.

"Um, well, my name is Julie!" She held a hand out for him to shake, and after a split second of hesitation, Gray did just that. Her hand was small and warm in his, and very soft. The hand of someone who'd had it easy her whole life. Lucy's hands used to be like this, he remembered, until a few months of working at the guild had toughened them up a bit. "I'm a friend of Lucy-san's; she helped me out about a year or so ago when she and her husband rescued me from some bandits."

He vaguely remembered Natsu talking about that mission. According to Natsu, the girl they'd been saving had been a complete pain in the ass, crying all over Lucy and keeping her from properly participating in the battle beyond sending Capricorn in to fight for her while she was occupied with comforting the hysterical girl. Weird, she didn't seem like the hysterical type...though Gray supposed that this was a completely different set of experiences with which to make a first impression.

That, and Natsu truly enjoyed the rare occasions when he got to fight side-by-side with Lucy, and wouldn't have been happy to have one taken away from him.

"Ah, yeah...Natsu told me about that one." He refrained from telling her any of the Fire Dragon's comments, figuring she wouldn't appreciate it. "I'm glad they got you out alright."

Julie giggled, her eyes sparkling as she remembered. "Yup! It was my first real experience around wizards, and let me tell you, it was sure something! Fire everywhere! Of course, that dragon boy completely destroyed both the bandits' hideout _and_ the carriage my papa had given him to bring me back in. So we had to _walk_ all the way back to my house! But it's OK, because Lucy-san made sure to bop him real good!"

Gray really didn't know where she was going with this, and he was beginning to wish she would just speak her piece and leave him alone already. He still had some things to tell Juvia, and he couldn't very well do it with this strange girl around. "OK?" he said, not really knowing how else to respond.

She blushed then, the color contrasting oddly with her hair. "Oh, I must be boring you, huh? Sorry about that; I tend to babble when I get nervous, and oh God, there I go again—"

He cut her off, finding he was quite done with this chatter. "Did you need to say something?"

If anything, her blush deepened. "W-well, yes, actually..."

He waited for her to speak, but she remained quiet, seeming to struggle with herself for those few minutes. And then, just as he was about to say _"screw it"_ and turn away, she burst out with, "Can I take you to dinner sometime?"

Completely shocked, Gray stared at her with wide eyes. He couldn't...move. Had she just asked what he thought she had just asked?

"I—" he began, but it was her turn to cut him off.

"I mean, I saw you at the wedding and you looked really, really good in that suit, and I asked around and everyone said you were single so I thought it would be OK to ask you out, but if you're not interested or if you're actually seeing someone—"

"I'm not. Seeing someone, I mean." Having recovered a little from his initial surprise, he moved a little to the side to hide Juvia's headstone from the girl. He didn't want her to see it and ask any weird questions about it, and it felt..._wrong_, somehow, for her to be there in front of Juvia. It felt even more wrong for that question to have been asked here. He waited for the Juvia that lived in his mind to start shouting at him not to take the invitation, but nothing came.

Just complete silence.

At any other moment, Gray might have been worried, but she rarely spoke in front of other people. Sometimes she did, but most times she didn't. He reasoned it as it being him concentrating more on those people than on the things she might have said to him during those occurrences. And as this was a stranger...

It felt like he was rationalizing things to himself, and he shook the thought away brusquely. The girl in front of him was watching him nervously, and he realized she was waiting for his answer.

Well, one time couldn't hurt, could it? Plus, she was the one who'd asked him, which meant she'd be paying. Unless things got screwed up and _he_ wound up being the one to pay...but once it was done, she would go back to her hometown, wherever that was, and he would continue his existence here. And that would be the end of it.

So he nodded, not quite finding the energy to smile as he did so. "Sure. Why not?"

Julie's blush returned in full, and she let out a happy, ear-piercing giggle that had him wincing. "Oh my gosh, thank you!" she squealed, then turned around and began to hurry out of the graveyard. "Meet me by the market tomorrow afternoon at five!"

And then she was gone.

Gray let out a slow breath, suddenly not so sure he was doing the right thing. He was beginning to see the hysterical part of her - she was certainly very excitable.

And her name - Julie? Julie, Juvia. The names literally had only two different letters. He laughed suddenly, finding it funny for some reason, though he was sure neither of them would.

Juvia! That was right, she would be upset that he—

Gray stopped, frowning at the headstone. He couldn't hear anything. No melodramatic tears, no shrieks, no yells, no...anything. It was like she was gone again...

He stood and stared at the headstone for the next ten minutes, willing something to come, but nothing did. There was no noise there now except for the breeze and his own breathing.

Deciding to leave the mystery for another day, Gray realized that it was now probably past midnight and the long day was catching up to him. He'd have to hurry home if he wanted to get any sleep at all.

So away he went, pausing only once - right as he opened the door leading from the graveyard to the church, he glanced one last time back at Juvia's headstone.

But it was just as still and silent as before, and finally he left.

* * *

**Author's Note: Let me say this right here: **_**THIS IS NOT A GRAY x OC FIC!**_

**OK, now that that is out the way, please allow me to explain. The girl, Julie, is a random creation of mine who is merely there to...make things a little more difficult for Gray, I suppose. Remember, he still hasn't realized that one crucial thing just yet, and it'll be a while before he does. I tried to make Julie likable and a little grating at the same time. She doesn't play a very big part in this, and I promise, she will not magically heal Gray's heart and live happily ever after with him. I've got something much...**_**better**_** planned for our dear Ice Maker. *lightning crashes as a bout of evil laughter that quickly turns into coughing is heard***

**So yeah, this is still very much Gray x Juvia, because I cannot bear to break them up. At least not completely...y'know, since Juvia is dead in this fic and all...and for those who are wondering, no, Juvia will never come back to life. She's gone. Death is a very final thing in the world of **_**Fairy Tail**_**, and, barring special cases with ghosts like Mavis Vermilion (who is still very much dead), I'm happy about that. One of my biggest pet peeves in literature is resurrection. There are very few instances in which I can really get behind it, and, outside of Disney movies and **_**Sailor Moon**_**, I usually prefer it to stay out unless there's a **_**really**_** freaking good explanation for why it happened. (I'm willing to give Lisanna a pass on this only because I like her so much. And because she wasn't really dead or whatever. It still took me a while to warm up to that plot point, though.)**

**Anyway, please review and I will see you all in two weeks.**


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